I recently spent a few days in Marco Island, Florida. Sitting out on the hotel room balcony, I had a great view of the beach and all its inhabitants. One morning, I watched a woman walking with her toddler. Every few steps, she’d plop the kid down on her butt and then help her stand back up.
I’m sure it was just a game to them, but it got me thinking. What that woman was actually doing, was teaching her child that it’s okay to fall, it’s okay to fail. And each time you do, you get back up and keep going. What an amazing gift to learn how to embrace falling at such a young age… especially since the floor is only a few inches away.
So now, I have to wonder: If we didn’t get this lesson as children (or if we did but firmly squashed it down after falling on the playground, having our skirts flip over our heads, and being laughed at), is there anything that can be done?
How does one overcome the fear of failure?
Overcoming the Fear of Failure
One of my favorite quotes (it’s hanging in my bathroom as I type this) is from George Addair, “Everything you’ve ever wanted is on the other side of fear.”
Awesome, right?
Just one problem… how do I get there? We’ve spent so much time pondering why ducks cross the road, yet we don’t regularly discuss how to get to the other side of fear. (Maybe the ducks know. Maybe that’s why they were crossing the road to begin with.)
Well, this is the process I’ve used to overcome my fears (some of them… still working on others). Try it and see how it works for you.
- Identify the fear. Are you actually afraid of failing? This may blow your mind, but some people are more afraid of succeeding than they are of failing. Sound ridiculous? What happens if you succeed? Will it create changes in your life? Changes are scary! You might have to pay more taxes, say goodbye to jealous friends, people may ask to borrow money, or you might have to buy new clothes because your new amazing body doesn’t fit in your old wardrobe. Success can be just as frightening as failure. By identifying your fears and giving them a name, you will take away some of their power.
- Determine whether the fear is based on actual danger or ego danger. Jumping out of an airplane could result in actual death (but OMG is it fun!). Leaving your job and starting your own business probably won’t result in physical death (unless you start a skydiving company). What it could do? Embarrass you! You are not alone if you think being embarrassed is worse than death. The National Social Anxiety Center (NSAC) says that “the fear of public speaking is the most common phobia ahead of death.” AHEAD OF DEATH, you guys!
If you think about setting a boundary for the first time, you may fear being shunned, cast out of the “tribe,” and becoming food for a passing wildebeest. If we were still cave people, that would be a legitimate danger. However, in our modern world, this is a fear of ego danger.
- Imagine the worst possible outcome (and the best!). Have you ever watched Disasterpiece Theater? No, you won’t find this on PBS. Disasterpiece Theater is the name I gave my thoughts when they spiral out of control and go from “This might not work” to “I’m going to end up homeless, alone, destitute, and fighting coyotes for dinner” in 6 seconds flat. It’s the worst possible outcome (and usually completely fictionalized). It’s hard to stop our brains from going here, but once the ole’ thinker arrives, I like to giggle a bit at how quickly my thoughts went downhill and how I’d totally make friends with the coyotes and end up macrameing them hats or something. Once you’ve imagined the worst, imagine the best. How could whatever you are about to do go SWIMMINGLY?
- Visualize success. Don’t just think about the best possible outcome, visualize it. If you can’t see things in your mind’s eye, write it out. Create a story about how freaking awesome it’s going to be when you rock whatever it is.
- Break the task down into smaller activities. Okay, enough with the brain stuff. Now, we have to take action. What’s the best way to wash an elephant? (I know, it’s supposed to be “eat an elephant,” but they are endangered!) The best way to wash an elephant is with many, many, smaller rags and a very BIG bar of soap. Maybe start with his trunk and work your way backward? I don’t know. Enough with the elephant. Oftentimes, an undertaking can seem so huge that we are afraid to take any action at all. However, if we break that undertaking down into smaller, manageable tasks, they don’t seem so scary. Running a marathon is terrifying. Lacing up your shoes and jogging around the block daily is considerably less scary.
- Just freaking do it. Mel Robbins encourages people to count down from 5 and then do the thing. If that helps, go for it. Or, just do it.
- If you fail, learn from the experience (and then do it again, only better). Years ago, I gave a TEDx preview talk. I froze and ended up with a mouth as dry as the desert, and an angel on one shoulder, and a devil on the other fighting over whether I should run, screaming from the stage, or keep going. While I certainly could’ve run off that stage crying and never stepped foot on one again, I opted for learning from the experience (if I can’t get a line right after weeks of practice, change the damn line). A few days later, I got back on stage and proved to myself that failing felt icky, but I did not die, and I could take away a lesson from experience.
Conclusion
For many, fear will never completely go away. However, we can learn to pet fear on the head and say, “Thank you so much for being here and wanting to keep me safe. I hear you, and I’m moving forward anyway. Sit back and enjoy the ride.”
What fear do you need to face today?
I would love to help you along your journey. Visit my website to schedule a call and let’s chat!
About the Author
Sheryl Green is a Mental Health speaker and author and the “How to Say No” Expert. She works with individuals and organizations to establish healthy boundaries to improve relationships, communication, and well-being. Her mission is to make the world a better place… one boundary at a time. Learn more about her entertaining and illuminating programs or contact her at 702.885.4309.
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