What do you say when someone dies?
Yesterday, I was interviewed on a podcast about grief. The host wanted to know how boundaries come into play when grieving the loss of a human or a pet. Thinking back on the loss of my stepmom 5 months ago, the first thing that popped into my mind was the inappropriateness of others.
Truthfully, the things people felt the need to say to me blew my freaking mind. I understood (and appreciated) those who shared their own recent losses. Not that I wished this experience on anyone; however, commiserating with like-minded souls helped me feel as if I wasn’t alone.
You know what didn’t help? People who wanted to process their grief through me.
“Oh, I just can’t believe I’m never going to see her again.”
“I don’t know how I will go on without our regular chats.”
Perhaps this is okay to say when… you know what? I can’t think of a time that it’s okay… maybe if you’re chatting with someone equally removed from the person who passed. But it sure as heck isn’t okay when you are talking to the person’s child, spouse, or parent. What I wanted to say was, “I’m not a therapist, and I’m certainly not your therapist. My cup is freaking empty, and there is nothing left for me to pour into you.”
Yet, even in the midst of finalizing a book on boundaries, I found it difficult to stand up for myself and shut down the absurdities. Why? Because I was emotionally raw, physically rundown, and mentally unprepared to deal with dumb statements.
Even if you’re not grieving a loss now, you will be. I don’t mean to be all depressing or “deathy” as a friend used to call me (I was goth for many years… don’t judge). But the reality of life is that you will experience loss. There’s not much you can do ahead of time about the emotional or physical exhaustion, but mental preparation for certain conversations? That’s something you can arrange in advance.
Prepare a canned response. It doesn’t have to be nasty or unkind, but have something in your communication arsenal to deal with these unwanted condolences.
When someone tries to process their grief with you, say something like:
“Yes, this is very difficult for all of us, especially her close family. I’m speaking to a professional about the loss, and you may want to as well.”
You’ll want to change the subject or step away from the conversation at this point.
If you’re dealing with the loss of a pet, you will encounter well-meaning people who think it’s acceptable to say things like, “It was just an animal.”
Rather than bite their head off and end a relationship (or risk jail time), have a response prepared:
“I realize that you don’t understand the relationship I had with my pet. And that’s okay. However, if you’d like to support me, the best way to do that is to accept how much they meant to me, and refrain from minimizing it.”
Of course, you’ll need to put these in your own words, but having them prepared ahead of time will make these conversations less emotionally draining and painful.
Another helpful suggestion is to enlist the help of a boundary buddy. For the first few weeks after my stepmom’s passing, my husband acted as my gatekeeper. There were certain people who I just didn’t have the emotional bandwidth to deal with. He handled those conversations for me.
I write this piece at the risk of coming off as bitter, self-absorbed, or even selfish. Because when it comes to grief, I believe all of these things are acceptable and to be expected to a certain degree. You need time and space to process your emotions. When you can barely hold yourself up, you don’t owe anyone a shoulder to lean on.
When the podcast goes live, I’ll share it so you can hear the rest of the conversation. For now, I’d love to know what boundaries do you think are important when it comes to grief?
Recent Comments