I’ve been thinking about long-held beliefs lately.

Have you ever seen the Jack in the Box commercial where they discuss CST, Childhood Sandwich Trauma? That commercial always resonated with me. Lunchmeat doesn’t look like food to me, and I only eat cheese when it’s melted on pizza. That meant that as a child and young adult, peanut butter and jelly sandwiches were my go-to option for bag lunches.

There are 180 days of school each year for 12 years. Minus the occasional rectangular pizza and chicken nugget days, and take away one year that I was able to travel off campus for the best Chinese food you’ve ever tasted (because it was flavored with FREEDOM!), carry the 1, use the square root of pi… math is hard. Let’s say I had approximately 1,800 peanut butter and jelly sandwiches during my school career.

With that number in your head, it doesn’t sound as bad that one of those 1,800 PB&J sandwiches ended up at the bottom of my locker during senior year, right? I recovered the aforementioned forgotten lunch on the last day of school as teachers dragged their trash cans into the hallways so students would clean out the trash and return whatever library and textbooks had sunk into the belly of the locker.

Of course, I should’ve known there was food down there. A weird smell began to emanate from my locker a few months earlier. I hadn’t been concerned enough to investigate, but the signs were there. When I unearthed the offender, I proudly announced it (I’ve never been one for hiding my embarrassment) and showed a few friends the colony of mold that was growing on it before slam-dunking it into the trash can.

Okay, Sheryl, first, that’s gross. Second, why are we talking about old sandwiches?

It is, isn’t it? But have I ever led you astray?

The Stench of Undiscovered Internal Beliefs

That sandwich represents our negative, long-held internal beliefs. You (much like everyone else in the world) have core beliefs that are ingrained in your very existence. Some of these beliefs are damaging to our self-esteem and well-being. And just like this sandwich, we may not even know it’s there. We may know that something is stinking up our lives, but we have no idea what it is.

Once I identified the sandwich, I was able to discard it. Beliefs are similar. Once you know they are there, you can pick and choose what you take with you to the next stage of your life. (There was also a sealed bag of Doritos in my locker, and since that will survive a nuclear holocaust, you can bet your bippy I ate those.) and what you throw away as it’s no longer of any use to you.

Where Do Beliefs Come From?

No childhood is perfect. Our parents (most parents… not all) did the best they could with the knowledge they had at the time. Unfortunately, that meant they were bringing their own unhealthy, long-held beliefs to the situation, raising us with the negative thoughts that bounced around their heads on a daily basis. And since parenting doesn’t come with a manual, they may have done things (unintentionally) that created unhealthy, unhelpful beliefs. Since you don’t get to do a brain and heart dump when you hit 18, you then took these beliefs with you into adulthood. Here are a few common negative beliefs you might be lugging around.

• I don’t deserve love
• I am a disappointment
• I am ugly
• I am permanently damaged
• I am not good enough
• The world is a scary place
• I can’t trust anyone
• I can’t protect myself
• I can’t trust my own judgment

You can view a more extensive list at EMDR Counseling Associates.

Do any of these resonate? I personally struggle with the belief that my worth comes from what I do for others (which leads perfectly to co-dependency and people-pleasing). This belief drove my behaviors for 40+ years and is the reason why I’m now on this boundary journey. This belief wrote my story for a good chunk of my life. What belief is writing yours?

What Can You Replace Those Beliefs With?

As I began to work through my deeply held negative beliefs and help clients through theirs, I needed a tool. Identifying the beliefs is only half the battle. Once you’ve done that, you need to rewrite them.

In “You Had Me At No: How Setting Healthy Boundaries Helps Banish Burnout, Repair Relationships, and Save Your Sanity,” I encourage readers to do two exercises. The first is a Belief Busting chart, and the second is a Belief Creation chart. Basically, we are going to:

1. Identify the negative belief
2. Disprove it
3. Create a new, positive belief
4. Prove it

Here’s an example:

Identify the negative belief: Disagreements end relationships, so I can’t speak up

Disprove it: I have voiced my opinion with friends, and they are still in my life

Create a new, positive belief: I can speak up. Those who care about me won’t leave (and those who don’t care about me don’t matter)

Prove It: I recently told (X) something she did bothered me. We have had lunch since then, and our relationship has never been better.

Practice Makes Perfect

Rewriting your deeply held beliefs takes time and work. However, when you do, your self-esteem skyrockets, your mental health improves, and you’ll gain a new-found strength that will allow you to set healthy boundaries and improve your relationships.

Conclusion

If there’s a weird smell emanating from your locker or your life. Go digging. You’ll likely find that the source of the stench is some deeply ingrained beliefs you never stopped to think about. Once you identify them, you get to decide whether you carry them for the next stage of your life or whether you dump them in the trash like a nasty, old PB&J.

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About the Author

Sheryl Green is a Mental Health speaker and author who works with individuals and organizations to establish healthy boundaries to improve relationships, communication, and well-being. Her mission is to make the world a better place… one boundary at a time. Learn more about her entertaining and illuminating programs or contact her at 702.885.4309.