It happened again. Someone asked you to do something, and the Yes just came flying out of your mouth without even consulting your brain!

Ugh… why can’t I say no?

While this Yes Vomit is unpleasant, it’s certainly not uncommon. Depending on what survey you consult, the percentage of Americans who claim to have boundary issues varies from 58% to 85%. Either way… A LOT of people find it difficult to say No.

Why Is It So Hard to Say No?

Think back to a time when:

• Someone invited you to participate in something or attend an event
• Someone asked you for help with a project or do something for them
• You got an unsolicited opinion or piece of advice

Assuming your answer should have been No, what prevented you from standing up for yourself, speaking your mind, and saying No?

In a word… fear.

What Are We Afraid Of?

There are a number of reasons why you may find it difficult to say No. Let’s take a look at the possibilities:

1. You don’t want to disappoint or hurt another person. It’s soooo awkward when other people are upset because of you. It’s much easier just to give in and avoid that awkwardness.
2. Your self-worth may be predicated on what you do for others. If you let someone down, what does that say about who you are?
3. You are afraid of rocking the boat and creating conflict. If you had a turbulent childhood, you’d do just about anything to keep the peace around you – even if it means destroying the peace within you.
4. You battle low self-esteem and are afraid others won’t like you. So, you always say yes, “people-pleasing” your way through life so you’ll be accepted and included.
5. You think you won’t be seen as a “team player.” At work, this could be losing out on a promotion. In your personal life, you might not be invited to get together in the future.
6. You are terrified of missing out on an opportunity. This could be a promotion, a new client, a new job, a new skill, a new hobby, etc.
7. You want to do ALL THE THINGS. I get it. My “Parking Lot” list a mile long because I’ve tried tackling everything at once, and it’s a surefire way to get NOTHING done.

You’ve likely found the reason for your No challenges in the above list, but if not, why do you think you feel compelled to say Yes all the time?

What Are We Really Afraid Of?

In “You Had Me At No: How Setting Healthy Boundaries Helps Banish Burnout, Repair Relationships, and Save Your Sanity,” I reached deep down into my education in Psychology and Anthropology to answer this question and came up with, drumroll please, we are afraid to be eaten.

It sounds silly, right? How many people actually get eaten these days? Well, thanks to Google, I have an answer for you: Cannibals aside (Google did not have a good statistic for them), since 1784, black bears ate a measly 66 people, sharks ate 14 people in 2023 (but they usually only nosh on 6 each year), and while alligators only eat 6 people per year, crocodiles take out 1,000! I did not know that. Stay away from crocs, folks (both the animal and the shoes).

Okay, why am I talking about animals eating people? And did the crocodiles just blow my theory out of the water (no pun intended)? When we are afraid to say No, that’s our lizard brain jumping in and saying, “If I don’t do what others want, they won’t like me anymore. If they don’t like me anymore, they will cast me out of the tribe. If I’m cast out of the tribe, there will be no one to watch my back while I sleep. If no one watches my back, I will be eaten by a passing wildebeest… or maybe a crocodile.”

Is this a conscious stream of thought? Not in the least. In our heads, we know that turning down a party invitation doesn’t put a bullseye and a pat of butter on our backs, but in our lizard brain… that’s a whole other story.

How Can We Say No?

Knowing why you struggle to say No is half the battle. Once you’ve identified your trigger and then realized that you are probably afraid of being dinner, you’ve passed the first hurdle.

I’d love to tell you that you can pop a pill or chug a drink and be magically assertive for the rest of your life, but I don’t think that treatment has been approved by the FDA. Much like anything in life (including how you get to Carnegie Hall), the only way to get good (and comfortable) at something is to practice, practice, practice.

No, you probably shouldn’t march up to your boss or your mother-in-law just yet. Instead, practice saying No in a low-stakes environment. Head to the mall and say No to the pushy people in the center kiosks selling everything from candy to beauty cream. Say No to the sample purveyors at Costco. Deny a guy in a bar who wants to buy you a drink. Once you get comfortable uttering the word to strangers, it’s time to try it out with some acquaintances. Say No to that woman in your book club who wants you to host a kitchen/jewelry/adult toy party or turn down an invite to Happy Hour from someone you went to high school with (but never really liked). The more you say No, the easier it will get. When you realize that uttering this two-letter word isn’t the end of the world, you can graduate to the more important people in your life.

Conclusion

If you struggle to say No, know that you’re not alone. At some point in your life, you were taught to fear assertiveness. You were told that standing up for yourself and expressing your needs would have dire consequences. Thankfully, you were taught wrong. Saying No is a healthy (and necessary) part of life, and you can do it!

If you’d like some help saying No to what you don’t want so you can say yes to what you do, I’m here! I’m offering free Boundary Discovery calls to help you uncover what’s holding you back and give you the tools to move forward. Book a discovery call today and let’s chat.

About Sheryl Green

Sheryl Green is a Mental Health speaker and author and the “How to Say No” Expert. She works with individuals and organizations to establish healthy boundaries to improve relationships, communication, and well-being. Her mission is to make the world a better place… one boundary at a time. Learn more about her entertaining and illuminating programs or contact her at 702.885.4309.

Get her How to Say No cheat sheet.