If someone you cared about was recovering from an illness or accident, battling addiction, or otherwise struggling to keep their head above water, you’d be there for them, right? You’d bring them soup, put together a care package with lots of gum and fidget spinners, or be there when they needed to vent (all in a very healthy, supportive, and boundaried way).
Of course! That’s what people do for one another.
This is no different. Your employee, colleague, or loved one is learning a new way of life. They are learning to speak up for themselves, say “No,” and make their priorities a priority. Gum won’t really help (but just about everyone can benefit from soup). What will help? Understanding them, resetting your expectations, and then supporting them along their path.
Understanding their Mindset
While it may be impossible for some to comprehend, this person likely has an internal belief that if they don’t do everything for everyone, be everything to everyone, and put their own needs last (or not at all), they are going to lose their job and every important relationship in their life. They are operating from a space where their self-worth is predicated on what they do for others. Whether this stems from a history of abandonment, codependency, or any other of a number of childhood circumstances, people-pleasing is an addiction in and of itself.
Assuring your loved one that they have value and you care about them (even if they don’t take on every project you want to give them), will help them build confidence and strengthen their boundary muscles.
Reset Your Expectations
Change can be hard. When someone has always been there to do everything you’ve ever asked, and then suddenly, they’re not… this can be a difficult pill to swallow. However, when you consider that they’ve been doing all of these things at a detriment to their mental and sometimes physical and financial health, it’s easier to accept. To make matters worse, if they’ve done this for some time, they probably feel an undercurrent of resentment every time they agree to help. This is not conducive to a healthy, happy relationship.
You want the best for the people in your life, so it’s time to reset your expectations. This may look like not leaving things until the last minute (and expecting that they will be there to bail you out), finding other people who can help you with ongoing projects to lighten their load, attending events alone because you respect when they say they aren’t interested, etc.
Support Them Along Their Path
There’s no magic pill or genie’s lamp that can create healthy boundaries in the blink of an eye. They are going to have to practice. They are going to have to build muscles. And chances are, they are going to have multiple oopsies and backslides. Once again, you can help.
- Learn their “tell.” Like a poker player, everyone has a physical manifestation of their desired response. If they are hemming and hawing about doing something… they don’t want to do it! Release them from their decision purgatory.
- If they offer to do something when you know they don’t have the resources to carry it out, call them on it (gently). “You are going to be very busy that day. I appreciate you offering to help, but there will be a future opportunity.”
- Accept “No” as an answer. This is the hard one. You really wanted them to do something and they just told you, with knees knocking together and sweat dripping down their face, that they can’t. Now is not the time for guilt, bargaining, manipulation, or an attitude. Now is the time to say, “Thank you for letting me know.” You could even throw in a “Nice boundary!” if it would be well received.
- Be their Boundary Buddy. Be a sounding board for them to bounce ideas and feelings off of. Role play with them when they have to communicate a new boundary with someone else. Help them come to a healthy decision and release any guilt they may be feeling around it.
- Be a role model. While all of these tips will help you support your loved one on their journey, the best possible thing you can do is have (and model) healthy boundaries yourself. When they see them in action, they will know it’s acceptable and see how to do it.
Support can look different for everyone. You don’t have to bake them a cake that says “Betty’s First Boundary” (although you could).
Conclusion
You have the opportunity to create a safe space for people who are learning to set healthy boundaries. Please take it! Let’s make the world a better place, one boundary at a time.
