A few years ago, I was brand new to our local speaking organization. As I often do, I joined the board and served to get a feel for the group and add value. I didn’t realize it at the time, but I was about to get one of the greatest boundary lessons of my life.

Before the meeting began, one of the older gentlemen in the group (not on the board and not the speaker) handed me a bag full of stress balls (with his marketing on them). “Hand these out to the audience,” he instructed.

Well, I followed his instructions… because that’s what I was taught to do. At that point in my life, I didn’t know that I had the right and the responsibility to set a boundary.

One of the seasoned (female) speakers in the group came up to me, took the bag out of my hands, and placed it on the table. “No,” she said. “That’s not your job. If he wants to hand something out, he can do it himself.”

She was right. I had blindly accepted a role that I didn’t need to play. It would take a few years before I realized the true wisdom behind her words, but I finally did.

Boundary Buddies and Mentors

In my book, “You Had Me At No: How Setting Healthy Boundaries Helps Banish Burnout, Repair Relationships, and Save Your Sanity,” I talked about the concept of Boundary Buddies. These are the people who:

• You can talk to when you have a decision to make.
• Provide an outside perspective.
• You can “blame” when taking time to respond and saying no.
• Understand what your response delays really mean and create a safe space for you to say no.

However, as I was interviewing women in business for my next book, something new emerged. Almost every one of these ladies either had a woman step in to encourage them to set boundaries or set the boundaries on their behalf, or, they acted in this capacity for another employee. They either had or became a boundary mentor.

Tend and Befriend

You’ve heard of the Fight, Flight, or Freeze Response, right? When faced with a stressor, our sympathetic nervous kicks in and we will either face or avoid the danger. Well, it turns out those may not be the only options.

In 2000, Shelley Taylor, a University of California psychology professor, coined the term “tend and befriend.”

“The tend and befriend theory says that humans, particularly females, often respond to stress by tending to young ones and by seeking connection or befriending one another. When social interactions are comforting, stress levels decrease. So, when there’s a stressor, people will instinctively seek out support from others.” – Psych Central

While tend and befriend is a perfect explanation for this behavior, I’m going to coin my own term: Mama Bear-ing. Young women are often taught that if a man is following, bothering, or threatening them, they should seek out an older woman and address them as mom or another familiar term. This will indicate to the older woman that she needs to jump into mama bear mode.

If we can do this when physical danger is present, why wouldn’t we use it for “boundary danger?”

Embracing the Mama Bear

If you are new to setting boundaries, find someone in your life or your work who has already found her voice and isn’t afraid to use it. During my interviews, I spoke to several women who said they always look out for new hires who believe they have to work 24/7 and take on projects well beyond their scope of responsibility just to “prove themselves worthy.” When they see a boundary violation in progress, they will take the new hire aside and coach them.

If you are a seasoned boundary setter, be willing to take someone under your wing. Remember a time when you may not have been as strong and outspoken as you are today. These young women entering the workforce and entering the company need your help and support.

How to Support Your Boundary Mentee

Ready to step up and help an earlier version of you? Here are a few steps you can take to support a boundary mentee.

1. Keep your eyes and ears open. When someone is new to the world of boundaries, they may not even recognize a boundary violation. They are used to taking instructions, unsolicited advice, and potentially bullying. If you see something, say something.
2. If the boundary violation is in progress, remove the person from the situation. Ask to speak to them privately or pull them aside under the guise of needing them to do something for you—whatever gets them out. If the immediacy has passed, take them aside at everyone’s earliest convenience.
3. Explain what you are witnessing. As I said, they may not understand that there is an issue. Ask them how the situation makes them feel and if they need/want your assistance. I can’t stress this part enough. You can’t help someone who doesn’t want to be helped. It’s frustrating for you and will likely damage the relationship.
4. If they accept your help, walk them through where their boundary should be. Don’t just tell them. By involving them in the discovery process, you are empowering them and helping them prepare for a time when you won’t be there to help them.
5. Role-play communicating the boundary. Let them work through the awkwardness of this conversation in a safe space.

Sometimes, role-playing and sending them off to set the boundary alone may not be enough. When this happens, commit to either being with them when they have the conversation or, on some rare occasions, having it on their behalf.

Conclusion

If you think back in your evolution, you can probably identify a time when someone stepped up to support you. Now, it’s your turn. If you’ve found your voice and aren’t afraid to set boundaries and speak up for yourself, adopt a baby bear (not literally; bears don’t make good pets) and stand up for someone else as well.

Would your organization benefit from better boundaries? Let’s chat and see which one of my programs is the best fit.

About Sheryl Green

Sheryl Green is a Mental Health speaker and the author of “You Had Me At No: How Setting Healthy Boundaries Helps Banish Burnout, Repair Relationships, and Save Your Sanity.” She works with individuals and organizations to establish healthy boundaries to improve communication, banish burnout, and decrease turnover. Her mission is to make the world a better place… one boundary at a time. Learn more about her entertaining and illuminating programs or contact her at 702.885.4309.

Get her How to Say No cheat sheet.