If you’ve ever struggled with setting boundaries, you’ve probably played the justification game in your head.
“How big a deal is this really? I can just shrug it off. It’s not worth endangering the relationship/my job/ my future.”
You’ve probably listed out all the possible adverse outcomes that could occur if you were to speak up, and rather than make anyone else uncomfortable, you’ve just choked back your emotions and accepted your own discomfort.
Well, I’ve been there and done that, and can tell you it’s a terrible plan.
Let’s look at three potential outcomes when you fail to speak up and set boundaries.
Abandoning Goals to Avoid Conflict
My husband and I just started watching the new Matlock with Kathy Bates (highly recommend). Bates plays Madeline Matlock, an attorney returning to work after 30+ years. In the third episode, she represents a woman accusing her boss of sexual harassment. At first, Matlock judges her client. She’s from a different time when women rarely spoke up, and victim-blaming was the norm. However, in her closing argument, Matlock leans into her emotions, and this is when the boundary-goodness comes pouring out.
Matlock shares a story of when she was a young attorney. She was sexually harassed by one of the firm’s partners. However, instead of standing up for herself, she switched her career track to Contract Law to avoid him at the office.
Ouch.
Sure, she’s a fictional character, but how many women (and men, too!) have pivoted or even abandoned their professional goals because of a boundary they didn’t or couldn’t set? It needn’t even be as serious as sexual harassment. Were you ever given advice by a well-meaning peer, mentor, family member, or friend that derailed your plans and sent you in an entirely different direction?
I know I have.
When you learn to set healthy boundaries, speak up, and stand up for yourself, there’s no longer a need to create a new life plan that avoids certain people or situations.
Decreasing Emotional Resilience
When you fail to set healthy boundaries, you stretch yourself too thin. You have no time for self-care, are constantly beating yourself up for not meeting expectations, and are consistently overwhelmed.
To further complicate the situation, when you are in this emotionally weakened state, your ability to handle minor (or major) setbacks is impeded. That means that all of the little stressors in life, the ones we should be able to handle with little to no effort (getting cut off in traffic, the grocery bagger forgetting to put a bag in your cart, the hairdresser taking a little bit too much off, etc.), become major challenges. Pile on the actual major challenges we face throughout life (job loss, injury, loss of loved ones, etc.), and you have a recipe for disaster!
In my first book, Surviving to Thriving, I likened this state to our skin.
“Think about the dead of winter. You forget to refill your humidifier, the heat is blasting at full force, you run out of body butter, and your skin starts taking on the consistency of rice paper. Not only can you scratch the word ‘dry” in your arm, but you begin looking at every object in your life as a dangerous weapon that can scratch you, cut you, and make you bleed. Our sweet little Fido is now sporting Freddy Kruger-esque claws, and you’re not sure how, but a strong wind just caused your arm to spout blood like a gluttonous mosquito. Your skin is no longer resilient. It’s weakened to the point where it can no longer withstand minor injuries.”
Similarly, when we are in this weakened emotional state, we are more susceptible to stressors. This can cause difficulty sleeping, nervous habits, mood swings, emotional outbursts, breakdowns, and much more. In fact… it may just cause disease.
Internalizing Pain and Manifesting Disease
There’s an interview on Instagram where Canadian physician Dr. Gabor Mate discusses his experience diagnosing and treating autoimmune diseases, such as Rheumatoid Arthritis, MS, Lupus, and Fibromyalgia.
In his experience, people who have autoimmune diseases have a specific set of personality patterns. These include:
- Automatic concern for the emotional needs of others while suppressing their own
- Rigid identification with duty, role, and responsibility
- Suppression of healthy anger (setting boundaries)
- You are responsible for how other people feel, and you must never disappoint anyone
If you’ve twisted your face into a Kermit the Frog expression right now and are looking around to see if anyone is watching… you probably recognize yourself in at least one of these personality traits. Hopefully, you also acknowledge that all of these traits are an aspect of People-pleasing and unhealthy boundaries.
You may think that you’re “letting things roll off your back,” but I promise you, they aren’t rolling anywhere. Those emotions are being squished down (scientific term; feel free to use it), and if you don’t express your emotions in a healthy way, they will find another (unhealthy) way to escape.
Conclusion
While it may seem easier and less painful in the short term, not speaking your mind or setting healthy boundaries can have devastating long-term effects. It’s time to identify your needs, determine what you will and will not accept, and start setting healthy boundaries in your personal and professional life.
For more tips, visit https://www.sherylgreenspeaks.com/boundary-bites/.
About Sheryl Green
Sheryl Green is a Mental Health speaker, author, and the “How to Say No” Expert. She works with individuals and organizations to establish healthy boundaries to improve relationships, communication, and well-being. Her mission is to make the world a better place… one boundary at a time. Learn more about her entertaining and illuminating programs or contact her at 702.885.4309.
Get her How to Say No cheat sheet.
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