Do you remember those ABC Afterschool Specials back in the day? They were filled with drama, angst, and just about every issue kids dealt with, from confidence to relationships, boundaries, bullying, and drug abuse.

Yes, Sheryl. I also remember having braces and a brutal perm…

Me too. Me too.

But I’m writing about Afterschool Specials today because 25 years after those gems went off the air, they are still alive and well in everyday life.

What’s an A.S.S.?

This August, my husband will be 10 years sober. He’s at the point where he can be around alcohol, sit at a bar, even have it in the house for parties, and not touch it. He’s fine talking about it and has no problem when people drink in front of him. But, he would rather not be surrounded by people who are drunk.

This past weekend, he was invited to a party. He knew there would be drinking, and he was prepared to stay for a bit and then gracefully exit. But he didn’t realize there would be an Afterschool Special with feet (an A.S.S.) at this party.

Normally, someone offers him a drink, and he says “no thank you” or makes a quick “My sponsor wouldn’t like that” joke. People giggle, accept it, and move on with their lives.

Not this weekend. At this party, he faced peer pressure worthy of its own episode. He was offered a drink and said, “No, thank you.”

The A.S.S. tried again, “Come on, have a drink.”

To this, Tom replied, “No, thank you. I’m an alcoholic.”

This would be a sufficient statement to shut most people down, but not for an A.S.S.

“Oh, come on, one drink won’t kill you.”

As I mentioned, my husband is secure in his sobriety and will not be swayed by statements like “All the cool kids are doing it.” However, someone who is newer in their journey… they just might.

How to Accept and Respect People’s Boundaries

If you’ve been reading my newsletter for a while, you know I’m constantly talking about how to set boundaries. What I don’t get into very often… how not to crap all over other people’s boundaries.

How do you become a Boundary Buddy to the people in your life, rather than a Boundary Buster?

Think about it… are there areas in your life where you are not respecting family, friends, coworkers, or employees? After reading this, are there any situations in your past that make you cringe?

If I’m being honest, I’ve been an A.S.S. before. I’ve said things in the past that would make current Sheryl dry heave.

I stopped being an A.S.S., and you can too! I have an easy, one-step process you can follow.

Stop Being an A.S.S

Hold on, Sheryl. Isn’t it the other person’s responsibility to hold their boundaries?

Yes… and no.

Yes, it is absolutely our responsibility to hold our boundaries. However, suggesting that you can do anything you want to alter someone else’s decision, because the onus is entirely on that other person… that’s a B.S. Boundary.

We need to work together at this thing called life. Respecting other people’s boundaries is just one of the ways we can help one another.

Let’s look at two scenarios you may have encountered and how you may have responded to them.

Scenario # 1

You want to go out and celebrate a WIN. You call a friend and invite them out for some drinks.

They say, “Oh wow, congratulations! I’d love to help you celebrate, but it will have to wait until the weekend. I’ve got a big presentation in the morning, and I need to be my best self.”

Do you say:

1. “Come on, just one drink. You can be in bed by 10 p.m.”
2. “I understand. Let’s get something on the calendar for this weekend.”
3. “If you really cared about me, you’d come out with me tonight. I guess our friendship isn’t what I thought it was.”

Scenario # 2

Let’s switch gears and hop into work mode. You are a leader with a big new client on the roster. You call a team member into your office and give them the details of the project.

They say, “I’m so excited to work on this with you. I’ve got a lot on my plate. Can you help me prioritize to meet the company’s needs?

Do you say?

1. “Prioritize? It’s all important. I expect this project to be done by the end of the week… but that doesn’t mean your other work can suffer.”
2. “Absolutely. I really want to show up big for this new client. Let’s look at your To-Do list and see what we can delegate or delete entirely.”
3. “Interesting. It sounds like someone doesn’t want a promotion.”

If you put yourself in the other person’s shoes, can you see that one of these responses makes you feel cared for, empowered, and valued? Can you see that the other responses make you want to take a really long, scalding shower?

Are you ready for the one-step process to stop being an A.S.S.?

Step One: Accept their answer.

That’s it. Just accept their answer. Don’t say anything to negotiate with them, manipulate them, make them feel guilty, require them to share personal information they aren’t comfortable sharing, or make them doubt their future financial (or relationship) security, etc.

 Are There Any Situations When You Should Push Back?

You might be wondering if it’s ever okay to push. Maybe you’ve got a friend who is going through a depression and keeps refusing to go out, even though you know they need to get some fresh air and human interaction.

Perhaps you have an employee slacking and using “boundaries” as an excuse. (In case you are wondering, this is another B.S. Boundary, but we’ll talk about that in a future blog.)

Look, there are always going to be exceptions to every rule. A handy way to evaluate whether you are helping or hurting is to look at your motivation. If you’re trying to meet your needs, no matter what, you are probably hurting. But if you are genuinely trying to help the person, pushing back may be okay.

Conclusion

We are all guilty of being a walking Afterschool Special at some point. The trick is to realize that when you disrespect someone’s boundaries, you disrespect them. If you want the people in your life to feel valued, cared for, and empowered (not to mention having them respect your boundaries), it’s time to stop being an A.S.S.

Can you do me a favor?

I’m curious about the differences between how men and women experience boundary challenges, so I’m doing some research. Can you take a few minutes to fill out this survey? It’s anonymous and would help me better understand boundaries and serve my clients. Thank you!

About Sheryl Green

Sheryl Green is all about no B.S. Boundaries for better performance. She works with teams to create workplaces that run like a well-oiled machine, keep top talent happy, and crush goals—without crushing people. Her mission is to make the world a better place… one boundary at a time. Learn more about her entertaining and illuminating programs or contact her at 702.885.4309.