It’s the day before Thanksgiving, and you are defrosting the turkey, baking the pumpkin pie in the oven, and hoping to make it through an afternoon surrounded by family with your sanity intact. How can you enjoy your family and avoid falling into these Holiday Boundary Traps?

You love them. Of course. Family is wonderful. However, bringing that many people together with different (AND STRONG) opinions is a powder keg waiting to explode. Throw in our current political climate and your people-pleasing ways, and the fuse is already lit.

As a professional mental health speaker and boundary expert, I’m frequently asked how to navigate family gatherings with kindness and strength. When you’re hosting the meal, you get to set the rules. For our Friendsgiving this year, my husband and I created this sign for the door. Our guests actually appreciated that we made it a non-controversial topic zone.

However, if you’re not hosting, you can only set your own personal boundaries. You can’t tell anyone else how to behave, but you can control how you allow yourself to be treated.

You’re probably not lucky enough to have Leslie Jones join you for the holidays. (Go ahead and watch the video… but come right back!). Without Leslie as your Boundary Buddy, you will have to step up your boundary game and watch out for these Boundary Traps.

Holiday Boundary Traps to Avoid

There are many Boundary Traps (i.e., people) to avoid at any get-together. For our boundary-setting purposes, we will discuss three of these types and then identify three steps to protect yourself in these situations. As you read through these, you’ll probably be able to identify the person(s) who falls into each category. Preparation is key.

The Interrogator

The Interrogator asks ALL THE QUESTIONS. They want to know why you aren’t married yet, why you don’t have children yet, why you aren’t further along in your career, studies, life, etc.

There are friendly, inquisitive questions designed to encourage conversation and learn more about one another. These are generally welcomed and can make you feel special and seen. Of course, when these questions turn into an actual interrogation, you feel like an ant under a magnifying glass.

The Gossipmonger

You’ve just sat down next to Aunt Edna, and somehow, you’ve already heard the life stories (and all the dirt) on her Bunko buddies, walking pals, and cardiologist. She’s like the National Enquirer with feet, and you’re afraid that if you even open your mouth (not that there’s been any opportunity to speak), your business will be broadcast to her next audience.

The Provocateur (aka Poop Stirrer)

Uncle Lenny. Dear, sweet, racist, homophobic, misogynistic, overly political, Uncle Lenny. He’s happier than a pig in mud to rant about his beliefs and put down anyone who disagrees. He has an opinion on EVERYTHING and thinks it’s his right and responsibility to make others uncomfortable.

Steering Clear of Boundary Traps

No matter what type of trap you encounter, there’s a 3-step system that will allow you to navigate the boundary challenge easily.

1. Discontinue
2. Deflect
3. Dodge

Discontinue

Whether you are dealing with an Interrogator (I), a Gossipmonger (G), or a Provocateur (P), you need to stop the conversation dead in its tracks. Here are some examples of how to halt conversations:

(I) “I don’t want to discuss my love life. Thanks for understanding.”

(G) “I don’t like talking about people when they aren’t in the room.”

(P) “We see things differently, and that’s okay.”

Deflect

No matter where the conversation starts, you can deflect and redirect using statements like this:

• “I took an amazing cruise last month. Let me tell you about the…”
• “I’d love to hear how you are doing. How’s that adorable little dog of yours?”
• “Did you see that new movie? It’s up for an Academy Award, and I think it’s got a great chance of winning!”

Dodge

If you’ve discontinued and deflected a few times with no success, it’s time to dodge. If you’ve got a buddy at the table, set up a signal ahead of time that tells them you need an intervention. If you’re flying solo, it’s time to go to the bathroom, see if the host needs any help in the kitchen, take the dog for a walk (if his or her parents say it’s okay), or answer an imaginary phone call. Do whatever you can do to physically remove yourself from the situation.

If you have to go back to the same seat, try to engage the person on your other side, or, if you absolutely have to, start an entirely new conversation (where you control the narrative) with the person and repeat the three steps if necessary. Maybe switch out your reason for walking away so they don’t bring up your urinary tract health next.

A Final Boundary-Setting Tip

There’s one more type of person you may encounter on your social journey… The Interrupter.

The Interrupter

They’ve asked you a question… and interrupted you when you’ve tried to answer. You’re halfway through a story when they just have to interject. Or perhaps you’re having a lovely conversation with someone else when they pop up between you like a prairie dog on Adderall and launch into a monologue.

When you encounter this individual, feel free to stop their interruption with something like:

• “Oh, I wasn’t finished.”

Or

• “Please let me finish before you jump in.”

Sound rude?

Interrupting is rude. Asking to be respected is just setting a healthy boundary.

Conclusion

As we head into the holiday season, please remember that you have every right to express your needs. You are not required to divulge more information than you’re comfortable with, adjust your morals, or nod uncomfortably as someone spouts ignorance or hate. Speak up for yourself, and if all else fails, do like Leslie and just start screaming.

To hire Sheryl to speak to your organization or for more tips about setting and communicating healthy boundaries in your personal and professional life, visit www.SherylGreenSpeaks.com.

Happy holidays!

About Sheryl Green

Sheryl Green is a Mental Health speaker, author, and the “How to Say No” Expert. She works with individuals and organizations to establish healthy boundaries to improve relationships, communication, and well-being. Her mission is to make the world a better place… one boundary at a time. Learn more about her entertaining and illuminating programs or contact her at 702.885.4309.

Get her How to Say No cheat sheet.