Remember the first time you went to the gym? If you’re like most people, you hit it HARD. You wanted to do all the exercises, lift all the weights, and build all the muscle in just one visit. Of course, what actually happened is you exhausted (and possibly even pulled) your muscles, and were so sore that you couldn’t make it back to the gym (or get up from the toilet without assistance – no judgment, we’ve all been there) for a week.

The same temptation exists when you begin to identify and set healthy boundaries. Suddenly, the world is rife with boundary violations and you are eager to put your foot down about all of them. You are a Boundary Crusader!

Relax and drop the sword. Much like overdoing it at the gym, if you try to set all the boundaries at once, you’ll likely exhaust some relationships and you may find yourself without a job, clients, friends, family, or anyone to assist you with getting up off the toilet.

Boundary Violations vs. Compromise

Early on in my boundary journey (like maybe a week in), I was trying to schedule a networking coffee and the other woman was considerably busier than me. She asked if we could meet close to her office… which just happened to be an hour from my house. I remember staring at the text message and thinking, “You’ve got to be kidding me! I don’t want to drive across town when she just has to walk down the block. This is a boundary violation!”

Eventually, I agreed to meet her, but I grumbled my way across town.

Looking back, I realize that I didn’t allow a boundary to be violated, I just compromised. And compromise is a good thing – especially when you are looking to build new relationships. Your mission (if you choose to accept it) is to learn when a boundary needs to be enforced, and when two human beings need to meet in the middle for the good of both parties.

Discovering Your Boundaries

This process is going to be a bit clunky in the beginning. As you advance in your boundary setting abilities, you’ll run through these questions automatically, without much (if any) thought. However, when you are just getting started, it’s okay to take your time and work through decisions slowly and methodically. Answer these questions when you’re not sure if you need to erect a boundary or compromise on an issue.

How important is this to me?

This question speaks to your core values. There will be times in your life when you are asked to do something that goes against who you are as a human being. This requires a boundary. For example, imagine if a customer came to you and asked you to do something borderline illegal and in your mind unethical. This is a non-negotiable that requires a hard boundary. However, if a customer asked you to do something outside of your wheelhouse… it’s not really your job, but you have the time and the ability to do it, and you would gain their loyalty for life, it may be worth doing. If you’d like to dive deeper into core values, read “Unearthing Your Core Beliefs.”

What is the context and who is asking?

Emergencies happen. Life happens. And sometimes, you find yourself in a bit of a pickle, having to ask people to do things you normally wouldn’t ask them to do.

Imagine a coworker came up to you in a panic and begged for help finishing their project. Do you help them or do you tell them they are on their own? This depends largely on the context of the situation.

Why are they behind? Is this a typical request because the coworker is lazy or doesn’t know how to budget their time? Or, did they just have a death in the family and are struggling to get caught up after bereavement leave? If it’s the former, you can feel confident that a boundary needs to be set. It’s not your job to do other people’s work. However, if it’s the latter, it’s perfectly acceptable (and quite appreciated) to assist them in their time of need.

You can also factor in who is asking. Perhaps this person is always there for you when you slip up and need some assistance. Or, maybe they are constantly trying to pawn off their work on others because they’d rather not do it themselves. Evaluate these factors and make a decision on a case-by-case basis.

Am I creating a win-win situation?

Just like you have needs, desires, goals, and boundaries… so do others. We do not live in a “my way or the highway” society and must take other people’s feelings and needs into consideration.

Imagine you are leading a team. One of your employees comes to you and asks to adjust her hours 30 minutes later (9:30 to 5:30) so she can get her son to school. Your first reaction may be that work hours are work hours and if she’s going to work there, she needs to adhere to the company schedule. You could say that, but you would probably be looking for a replacement if you did. Instead, you could comprise, realizing that she is a great employee, a wonderful asset to your company, and attempting to be there for her family. Thirty minutes isn’t going to hurt anyone. It will actually be a win-win. You get an amazing (and now loyal) employee, and she gets to take care of her child without breaking traffic laws.

Once you’ve run through these questions, consider the potential outcomes. If compromising will have little to no impact on the future, go ahead and do it. If you feel like a compromise would endanger who you are and what you stand for, you can confidently set a boundary.

Conclusion

Remember, you don’t wake up being good at something. It takes practice, dedication, repetition, and sometimes, a lot of ibuprofen to build up your muscles. Cut yourself some slack and remember to respect others along your boundary journey.

Are you currently facing a situation where compromise is the appropriate avenue? I’d love to hear about it!

About Sheryl Green

Sheryl Green is a Mental Health speaker and author and the “How to Say No” Expert. She works with individuals and organizations to establish healthy boundaries to improve relationships, communication, and well-being. Her mission is to make the world a better place… one boundary at a time. Learn more about her entertaining and illuminating programs or contact her at 702.885.4309.

Get her How to Say No cheat sheet.