Let’s talk about safe words, shall we?

No, not that kind of safe word (get your mind out of the gutter… although that would be quite the boundary conversation). I’m talking about the kind of safe word that protects you from a Boundary Buster.

Allow me to explain.

Boundary Busters in Action

Along this boundary journey, you will encounter people and situations that challenge your ability to create and uphold healthy boundaries. Whether you have just begun laying down boundaries, or you’ve been at it for some time but have that one person who it’s soooo hard to stand up to, there will come a time (probably many times) when you are in an uncomfortable situation.

Imagine this: You’ve been married for some time now and enjoying your coupled existence. What you don’t enjoy is being asked by everyone and their mother when you will have babies. With most people, you can skate around the question, distract them, or flat-out state that you don’t want to discuss it.

With most people.

But what about your own mother? She’s been waiting “forever” for you to settle down and make her a grandma. The usual distraction tactics don’t work. When it comes to grandbabies, your mother is like my dog with a tennis ball… impossible to redirect. You’ve tried telling her you’re not ready, but she’ll be the first to know when you are, but she keeps asking. You don’t want to be rude and make her uncomfortable, but with your newly developed boundary knowledge, you know it’s even more important not to make YOU uncomfortable.

So what’s a new boundary-ite to do?

Creating An Exit Plan

Like any situation, having a plan and a course of action is the best way to ensure you are prepared for anything. Here’s a 5-step plan you can use to weather any boundary storm.

1. Anticipate

You know when these intrusive conversations are going to happen. In our current example, probably during Sunday dinners, holidays, and phone conversations. While you may feel blindsided every time it’s brought up, there’s really no need to be. You know it’s coming. Every. Single. Time. This holds true for any boundary-busting situations (both in your personal or professional life). If you pay attention, you can identify a pattern and be ready for it.

2. Identify your Boundary Buddy

Whether it’s your significant otter, your best friend, your business partner, or your extremely well-trained retriever mix, find someone in your life who you can share your concerns with and who can help you nip a situation in the bud.

3. Decide on the tactics

Once you’ve enlisted the help of your Boundary Buddy, it’s time to discuss what you’d like to happen when this situation arises. For example, when mom is going on and on about the adorable baby hats she’s learning to knit “just in case you ever decide to start a family” (did you feel the guilt in that one???), what should your buddy do? This could include (but is not limited to):

• Changing the topic of conversation
• Pointing out that you are uncomfortable with the line of questioning and need to stop
• Pulling the fire alarm so you all have to evacuate (don’t actually do this… very illegal)
• Getting up and making an excuse as to why you both have to leave
• Pawing at the door because they need to go for a walk (I am, of course, referring to the well-trained retriever mix, but hey, if your husband wants to do that, who am I to judge?)

4. Agree on a safe word

Now’s your time! What’s that one word that you can work into a conversation relatively easily but that you don’t say on a regular basis? Ensure you and your Buddy are perfectly clear on the word and precisely what they will do when they hear it.

5. Go along with it.

There’s nothing worse than asking for help and then disregarding it once it’s been given. If you’ve made this agreement beforehand, don’t throw your Buddy under the bus when they come through for you. Instead, follow whatever they’ve said and carry out the plan.

The Last Resort

Look, I’m a big proponent of honest and direct communication. Most boundary situations can be solved by identifying and communicating what you need… but not all of them. I don’t recommend using these tactics before you’ve exhausted all others. Some people will never respect your boundaries, but you still want them to be a part of your life. When this happens, it’s time to limit their access to you. And when you can’t do that comfortably by yourself, it’s okay to enlist someone else’s help.

Find a Boundary Buddy and then create a safe word. The next time the situation arises, you’ll be glad you did! Want more boundary tips for your business and your life? Sign up for my weekly newsletter.

What’s your safe word?

About the Author

Sheryl Green is a Mental Health speaker and author who works with individuals and organizations to establish healthy boundaries to improve relationships, communication, and well-being. Her mission is to make the world a better place… one boundary at a time. Learn more about her entertaining and illuminating programs or contact her at 702.885.4309.