Sports Fan
My husband is into “all the sports,” so when the opportunity to get season tickets for two of our home teams arose, he was all in. I’m a fan of the dog who runs out on the field to collect the bat and the balls and brings out an ice pack when the umpire has been hit in the…
Anyway, I don’t care much about sports, but I like spending time with my hubby, so “go, team, go.” However, we are busy, travel quite a bit, and are sometimes too exhausted at the end of the day to utilize those tickets. When we find ourselves unable (or unwilling) to go to a game, we will gift them to a friend, family member, work colleague, random couple in the Dollar Tree, etc. About 75% of the time, we get a “Thank You” text halfway through the game with pictures of the attendees smiling in their seats. It makes us feel good to know that we made someone happy!
Of course, if you’re a math wiz, you have figured out that there’s still 25% of the time unaccounted for. Often, way too often for my polite personality, we receive nothing. No “thank you,” not even an acknowledgment that they utilized the tickets and attended the game. Now, to be clear, we don’t gift the tickets to get anything in return. However, in polite society, one should say “thank you.” Whether they intend to or not, this lack of appreciation screams entitlement.
It often leaves us scratching our heads and wondering, “Were they raised in a barn?”
But no. I’ve seen the look on a dog’s face when they’ve been rescued. Animals 100% feel and express gratitude. So, what the heck is going on here?
Well, I’m not an etiquette coach (though I know a good one if you’re looking). However, I do know a thing or two about boundaries. So, let’s look at it from that angle, shall we?
Can We Control Others?
I’m about to turn your world upside down.
You can not control other people.
Go ahead, take a minute, fan yourself, clutch your pearls, pick yourself up off the floor. I’ll just repeat myself for effect.
You can not control other people.
It stings a bit, doesn’t it? But believe me, this knowledge is actually quite freeing. I can’t make someone say “thank you.” I could mention it. Tell them how it makes me feel when they don’t. I’m not sure I ever would do that, but I could. However, I have certain expectations (boundaries) with people, and being shown appreciation or gratitude is one of those expectations. I always thank people if they do anything for me, and I believe it’s acceptable to expect that in return.
Changing Our Behavior
So, what’s a girl to do?
Not give these unappreciators (new word, feel free to use it) anything in the future.
Why? Because I can’t control what they do or say, but if they aren’t respecting my boundaries, I also don’t need to create a repeat situation. Maybe it sounds harsh. Maybe it sounds like something Miss Manners would say.
Behavioral Training
From a psychological standpoint, they are actually training us on how to treat them.
Let’s look at dogs for a second. When you train a dog, you are looking for a target behavior – like sitting, for example. The dog is looking for a yummy treat. In order to get them to perform the target behavior, we (with the treat in our hand) lift our hand over their head, forcing them to lower their cute little puppy butts to the ground. When they do, they get their yummy treat (positive reinforcement). When we do this over and over again, the dog learns that butt to the ground = nom nom. Everyone is happy.
Now, what if every time the dog sat down, we smacked them on the snoot (negative punishment… and OMG. DO NOT HIT YOUR PUPPER! This is just me illustrating a point)? If this kept happening, the dog would learn very quickly that butt to ground = painful snoot smack. And guess what? They’d stop sitting around you!
I’m a fast learner. If I give someone tickets once (like the dog gives us the target behavior of sitting down), and I do not get a “thank you,” (yummy treat) but rather a complete and utter lack of appreciation or even acknowledgment (smack on the snoot), I’m not going to give them tickets anymore.
Conclusion
While we can’t control anyone but ourselves, or force others to do what we want, we are constantly influencing one another’s behavior. We train people how to treat us and other people train us how to treat them. Be cognizant in your interactions, and don’t reinforce behavior you no longer want to see. And for the love of dog… say “thank you” when someone does something nice for you!
If you’d like to learn more about behavioral training for dogs and for humans, check out “Don’t Shoot the Dog” by Karen Pryor. If you’d like to learn more about how to set and maintain healthy boundaries, visit www.SherylGreenSpeaks.com
About the Author
Sheryl Green is a Mental Health speaker and author who works with individuals and organizations to establish healthy boundaries to improve relationships, communication, and well-being. Her mission is to make the world a better place… one boundary at a time. Learn more about her entertaining and illuminating programs or contact her at 702.885.4309.
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