Do you suffer from “yes vomiting?”
Sometimes, when I write a book, the title appears in my brain like a universal download. It sounds like a choir of angels singing – or maybe it’s just a Tesla backing up. Other times, I have to delay the publishing process because I can’t come up with the perfect title to save my life!
In case you’re wondering how “You Had Me At No” came about… it’s the latter. Definitely the latter. So very much the latter.
I had a name fairly early on in the process. Are you ready for this? I truly hope you are sitting down. I was going to call it “Intentional Decision Making.” There was just one problem. That was a TERRIBLE name. I mean, blech! Boring! I wouldn’t pick that up, and I wrote the darn thing!
As crappy a title as it was, it came from a good place. And that’s what this week’s piece is all about.
If you’re like me (or at least the pre-boundary journey version of me), you can’t quite help yourself when it comes to saying yes. It just comes flying out of your mouth before the person can even finish asking for your help. Sometimes, you even say yes to help that hasn’t yet been requested – but we’ll tackle that beast in a different piece.
The Symptoms
Do your conversations go anything like this?
“Can you help me with…”
“Yes!”
“Can I borrow your…”
“Yes!”
“Would you like to…”
“Yes!”
Are you ready for a diagnosis? (Let me guess… yes?)
The Diagnosis
You are suffering from “yes vomiting.” A disgusting term? Absolutely. Will you ever forget it? Nope.
You say yes simply because it’s your default setting, not because you actually want to, have to, or have the resources to do something. When you say yes to something you don’t want to do or something you can’t do (for whatever reason), you are opening yourself up to a whole host of other problems! Problems like:
- Resenting the person who asked for help – even if it’s someone you actually care about.
- Running yourself ragged because you’re trying to do too much.
- Putting your own needs and responsibilities on the back burner.
- Doing a poor job (or not actually getting it done) and letting someone down.
- And many, many more.
But what’s the alternative?
The Cure
Life would be pretty boring if we said “no” to everything that came our way. If we never helped the people we cared about, they wouldn’t be around for very long. If we didn’t take on new clients, new projects, or new roles at work, we wouldn’t make it very far in our careers. If we said no to everything that came our way, we’d turn into Jim Carey at the beginning of “Yes Man,” and that’s not something to strive for either.
This is where “intentional decision-making” comes in. Yes shouldn’t be your default setting. No shouldn’t be your default setting either. When you are approached with an invitation, a request, a favor, or any other “opportunity,” you need to take the time to make an intentional decision.
How do you do that? You embrace the power of the pause – not to be confused with the power of the paws.
What does the power of the pause look like?
“I really appreciate you inviting me. Let me check my calendar and get back to you tomorrow.”
Or
“That sounds like a lot of fun. I need to talk to my partner and see if we are available. I’ll give you an answer by tonight.”
Or
“I’d love to take on your project, however, I need to check some of my existing client deadlines first. I’ll get back to you by Friday.”
The idea is to break the “yes vomit” and buy yourself some time to think it over. You’ll be amazed how life changes with just this one simple tool.
If you’d like a free cheat sheet that can help you embrace the pause and then deliver your response, you can download it here.
So what about you? Do you suffer from “yes vomiting?”
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