All I want for Christmas is for my loved ones to go into crippling, life-long debt!
Hmm… I don’t remember hearing a song like that. And while I’ve only ever taken my dogs to see Santa, I don’t think I heard that uttered there either. Yet, year after year, we line up at stores (and now fill our online carts) with expensive and unnecessary gifts for the people we care about… and even some people we don’t.
Setting Boundaries this Holiday Season
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not anti-giving or getting presents. What I am, is very pro-setting boundaries around what you will spend this holiday season, and pro-communicating to family and friends when you’ll be opting out of the elaborate gift exchanges. No matter what holiday you celebrate, this season is about love and kindness. It is NOT about racking up enough debt to carry us through to the next year.
How do we set boundaries with ourselves and the people we care about so we don’t end up nursing a shopping hangover into the New Year? In You Had Me At No: How Setting Healthy Boundaries Helps Banish Burnout, Repair Relationships, and Save Your Sanity, I talked about making sure you have the resources to carry something out. When it comes to holiday gift-giving, you’ll want to make sure you have the money, time, and energy to give whatever it is you want to give.
Setting Boundaries with Yourself
Giving feels amazing! Part of the fun of the holidays is seeing the joy in someone’s face when they open your gift. If this gives you the warm fuzzies, give! Just give responsibly.
1. Set a financial budget. Not fun, I know. However, you’ll thank yourself when the credit card bill comes, and you don’t have to lie down on a couch and fan yourself. While you may receive a holiday bonus from your company, money doesn’t just magically appear in December. Whatever you spend on holiday gifts can not be spent on those boring things like mortgages/rent, utility bills, and food. Going into financial debt causes unnecessary stress.
2. Set a time budget. I spend a few minutes each morning perusing Pinterest for fun, homemade gift ideas. I love to bake, and I’d love to be someone who’s good at crafts (the verdict is still out on that one). I also love giving people gifts that I made with my own hands. However, I’ll need to keep in mind that those snowy white chocolate truffles will require some time and effort, and I’ll have to learn how to make candles before knocking out holiday-scented goodness for my friends and family. This all takes time. And frankly, I don’t have a lot of that to spare. Packing your holiday schedule with tasks (even fun ones) can cause stress and make you feel resentful about all you’ve agreed to do.
3. Give yourself some grace. Maybe in the past, you’ve spent oodles of cash and time to give the perfect gift to everyone on your list. If this year, you started a business and the money isn’t yet rolling in, or you spend every waking moment getting your company up and running, that’s okay! Maybe you’re taking care of loved ones and shopping is the last thing on your mind. You don’t have to be Martha Stewart every year. Give yourself some latitude and realize that the people who truly matter will understand. If people are in your life just because you give good gifts… they don’t deserve to be in your life!
Communicating Boundaries to Your Loved Ones
You set boundaries with yourself! You know how much time and money you can dedicate to this holiday season. Good boundary setter! (You can wag your tail now).
But wait… how do you set boundaries with OTHER people?
Clearly, kindly, and proactively.
Proactive
Let’s start with proactively. While you can’t stop random people from surprising you with presents this year, for the most part, you know who is expecting to exchange gifts. Talk to them. Explain the situation (money is tight, saving up for something, need to help out your parents/kids/favorite nonprofit this year, decided to become a monk, etc.) and look for an alternative. Maybe you only do homemade gifts this year (if you have time), maybe you opt for quality time and do an experience together, or maybe you just put a limit on how much you will spend on one another. Discuss it early so you can avoid the awkward moment when they hand you a $200 ornament, and you have to go scrounging through the hall closet for a blanket with the tags on it.
Clear and Kind
When it comes to setting boundaries, it’s important to be clear and kind. There’s no need to be rude when you let people know you’ll be opting out of the gift exchange or putting a limit on spending. Have some verbiage prepared in advance of these conversations.
“I love the holiday season, and this year, I need to be focused on saving up for (insert your goal). Let’s cap our presents at (insert amount)?”
“You are so very important to me. What if this year, instead of giving each other presents, we went for a holiday hike or spent the afternoon together baking?”
“I have so much stuff! Let’s skip the presents this year and take a class together instead.”
You might even be surprised to find out that the other person is happy with this new development as well. Giving gifts may have been a stressor for them this year, too.
Now, here’s the kicker… they might get you something anyway. If they want to give you a gift, and they have no expectation of anything in return, how wonderful! Don’t make it awkward. Thank them, appreciate them, and then enjoy whatever it is they want you to have.
Conclusion
The holidays don’t have to be a time of stress, resentment, and interest charges. Give yourself (and others) the gift of peace this season. Set boundaries with yourself and others, and have a happy, healthy holiday season.
What are you looking forward to most this year?
About the Author
Sheryl Green is a Mental Health speaker and author who works with individuals and organizations to establish healthy boundaries to improve relationships, communication, and well-being. Her mission is to make the world a better place… one boundary at a time. Learn more about her entertaining and illuminating programs or contact her at 702.885.4309.
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