Tomorrow is the day! Family, friends, and of course… food!

Thanksgiving can be a wonderful holiday to celebrate all that we have and be grateful for our amazing lives. Of course, for some, being surrounded by that many family members may make you feel like the turkey’s not the only thing being roasted.

Our families certainly do like to ask questions, don’t they? No matter what stage of your life you’re at or what decisions you’ve made, there’s a well-meaning (usually) relative ready to second-guess and impose their opinions upon you. This leads to frustration, heavy imbibing of the holiday spirits, and it may even make you doubt the quality of your life. Or… you could set some boundaries and have an entirely different experience this year.

Setting Boundaries for Holiday Gatherings

With a little bit of planning and gumption, you can end the cycle of horribly uncomfortable meals with family and actually come to enjoy these get-togethers.

Prepare Ahead of Time

You wouldn’t expect the Thanksgiving dinner to walk itself out of the kitchen without some prep work. (And if it does, don’t eat it. Something is very, very wrong.) Whoever is cooking dinner has been preparing for it for some time now – and you need to do the same with your boundaries.

Ask yourself the following questions:

1. Who are the top boundary busters in my family?
2. What topics or areas do they usually overstep?
3. What am I unwilling to discuss this year?

For example, perhaps your Aunt Millie can’t comprehend why you haven’t had children yet, even though you’re perfectly happy pursuing your career and raising a Golden Retriever named Stu.

Or maybe your Uncle Jerry thinks you should abandon your social media business to become an ophthalmologist, even though you’ve just signed the biggest client of your life, and the thought of touching eyes gives you the heebie-jeebies.

Perhaps the boundary violations are of a physical nature, and having your brother-in-law’s arm around you for long periods of time makes you want to shower until your skin has fallen off.

Identify the questions (and situations) you know are coming and decide what will and will not be on the table for discussion this year.

Redirect or Shut Them Down

Once you suspect what you’ll be dealing with, it’s time to figure out what you’ll do about it when the inevitable occurs. Prepare canned statements that you’ll have at the ready when the onslaught of boundary-busting begins. You’ll want to create your own statements that feel right coming out of your mouth. However, I’ve prepared a few to get you started.

Please note that while there’s no need to be nasty here, you do need to be firm. Theoretically, you care about these people and would like to continue having a relationship with them.

Redirect

Here are a few ways to redirect the conversation when you see the train barreling towards you.

1. “I do appreciate your concern regarding _________. I’ve actually got that completely under control. Tell me about your __________.”
2. “Thank you for thinking about me regarding ____________. I’ve got some things in the works that I’m not yet ready to talk about. I’ll fill you in when it’s time. How did your last __________ (vacation, project at work, etc.) go?
3. “That’s a really wonderful suggestion, I’ll think about that one. Now fill me in on __________.”

Acknowledge that you heard what they said and then redirect them onto a different topic. People LOVE to talk about themselves, which you can totally use to your benefit. You can redirect them by sharing a story about yourself as well, but that may leave the door open for more questions or suggestions about your life.

Shut Them Down

Sometimes, someone’s behavior or words are entirely inappropriate and can trigger uncomfortable or unpleasant emotions within you. When that happens, it’s time to stop them dead in their tracks. Here are a few ways to do so:

1. I’m very uncomfortable with _____, and you need to stop. Thank you for respecting my wishes.
2. My personal life is private, and I will not be discussing it any further. Thank you for understanding.
3. That topic is not up for discussion. If you’d like to know about _____, I’d be more than happy to share.

Will these always work? Nope. Unfortunately, we can’t make people do what we want. However, if you have done your best to establish a boundary, and it is not being respected, you have every right to remove yourself from the situation.

Protect Your Kiddos

Young children haven’t yet developed a voice, which means they are counting on you to speak up for them. If this whole boundary thing is new to you, chances are your older kids don’t know how to set them either, so be prepared to support them as well.

Many of us can remember being forced to kiss or hug a relative when we didn’t want to. We were either pushed forward or told things like, “Don’t be rude. That’s your family member,” or “You have to give them a kiss. You don’t want to hurt their feelings, right?”

This very clearly communicates to a child that their feelings don’t matter and that they do not have the right to set boundaries around their bodies. Not exactly the message you want to convey! Keep an eye out for the kids and help them set their own boundaries when possible. When not, set them for them and use it as a teaching moment later on.

Thanksgiving dinner is meant to be a happy gathering of loved ones. With healthy boundaries in place, you can ensure that you make the most of the time with your family while still protecting yourself.

What are you looking forward to most about the holiday?

About the Author

Sheryl Green is a Mental Health speaker and author who works with individuals and organizations to establish healthy boundaries to improve relationships, communication, and well-being. Her mission is to make the world a better place… one boundary at a time. Learn more about her entertaining and illuminating programs or contact her at 702.885.4309.