How do you communicate a boundary?

Good for you! You’ve made an intentional decision. Someone has asked you to do something, and you have taken the time to evaluate the “opportunity” and determine whether you want to or have to do it, if you have the resources available to carry it out, and if you’re willing to say No to something else to get it done. This is a huge feat!

But what now? You may have made up your mind, but you still have to let the other person know. (Sorry, they are not mind readers.) Good communication can be challenging. Saying No and telling someone you care about (or rely on for a paycheck) can be downright terrifying!

It turns out that how you say No is just as important as if you say No.

Let’s dive into the 3 C’s of Successful Boundary Communication and give you a crash course on communicating what you will and will not do.

The 3 C’s of Successful Boundary Communication

When you communicate boundaries, you want to be respectful of others. While no is a completely acceptable response, if you drop a no bomb in certain situations (work, close family and friends) without following these tips, you could damage your relationships and jeopardize your career.

When it’s time to share your decision, be:

Compassionate

When someone asks you to do something or attend something, and you say No, you will likely disappoint them. This isn’t your fault or responsibility, but it is reality. Because of this, it’s important for you to be compassionate and respectful, showing empathy for their situation.

For example, “Thank you so much for considering me for this project. I understand how important it is to you, and I appreciate your faith in me.”

A line like this shows the other person that you do not take their request lightly.

Clear

While it may be tempting to use loosey-goosey verbiage like “think,” “might,” “guess,” etc. to soften the blow, the only thing you’re doing is muddying your language and giving the other person an opportunity to push back.

Instead, use a line like this, “Unfortunately, I will not be able to take on this project. I have a full plate and would be unable to do it the justice it deserves.”

Once you’ve made it clear that you can’t or won’t do something, you can offer an alternative. For example, “This would be a great project for Nancy. She has the skills and the time to complete it.”

Consistent

Some people will accept your decision right off the bat. Unfortunately, you will also run into people who won’t. These individuals will push back, questioning you, trying to guilt you, even manipulating you in an attempt to change your mind and get you to do whatever it is they want you to do.

You must stand your ground. The worst possible thing you can do is to change your decision to placate them. If you do this, they will disrespect any boundary you set moving forward.

If someone pushes back when you set boundaries, you must be consistent with your No. For example:

“While I appreciate how important this is to you, as I’ve previously stated, I cannot help you with it. That will not change no matter how many times you ask.”

Be consistent with your response and reiterate your stance as often as necessary.

Obviously, these sentences will not work for every situation and for every person. Use them as a jumping-off point and create verbiage that sounds more like you and is appropriate for the individual situation.

Conclusion

Making a decision is only half the battle. Learning how to communicate a boundary properly will help you preserve (and even strengthen) relationships, gain more respect from others (and for yourself), and ensure that when you want to say No, you are confident in your ability.

About Sheryl Green

Sheryl Green is a Mental Health speaker and author and the “How to Say No” Expert. She works with individuals and organizations to establish healthy boundaries to improve relationships, communication, and well-being. Her mission is to make the world a better place… one boundary at a time. Learn more about her entertaining and illuminating programs or contact her at 702.885.4309.

Get her How to Say No cheat sheet.