I have bad news.

You’re not a very good actor.

When you are angry with people, resentful of their behavior and their “asks,” they know. They’ll pick up on the fact that you aren’t your normal cheery self, and eventually, they will ask you, “What’s up?”

That’s the thing with boundary violations. You can pretend that you are letting them slide. Maybe even push them below the surface. But eventually, those feelings are going to come out, rearing their ugly little heads at the most inopportune time.

If you can’t ignore them, and you can’t squash them down, what are you supposed to do? Well, you’ll need to have a difficult conversation.

How to Have Difficult Conversations

Before we get into the how-to, let’s discuss the you-get-to. That’s right, you get to communicate your boundaries. You are allowed to tell people that what was once okay, no longer is. In the words of one of my clients, you get to “rewrite the rules.”

Will you be comfortable doing it? Nope. Is it important? Yep. When it’s done, will you feel like Muhammad Ali after winning a fight? Yessssssss.

Do Your Prep Work

Musicians don’t head out on tour without practicing. Speakers don’t go up on stage without running through their speeches, and athletes don’t wake up one day and go to the Olympics. Anything worth doing is worth practicing for.

A boundary has been crossed.  But in the moment, you are highly emotional (what? I’ve never cried hysterically at the WORST time ever) or maybe even just frozen in shock like that poor dear in headlights. When you get home, and the adrenaline dies down, you start kicking yourself for not speaking up.

Stop!

Your opportunity to stand up for yourself has not passed. You have the right to feel your emotions, gather your thoughts, and then approach the other person at another time.

Make the most of this opportunity by fully preparing yourself for “the talk.”

7 Steps to Prepare

1. Identify the boundary violation.
2. Name the emotion you felt when that boundary was violated.
3. Get to the root of the issue. What about it bothered you?
4. Understand what you’d like to communicate to the other person. How do you want their treatment of you to change?
5. Practice the conversation in the mirror or enlist a Boundary Buddy to help you.
6. Psych yourself up for the conversation.
7. Release your attachment to the outcome.

Right, right. Sheryl, I was on board with you up until # 7. What do you mean by “release my attachment to the outcome?” I want them to change!

Of course, you do! And I want it to rain dark chocolate-covered pretzels around 3 pm daily. But we can’t control other people, and that type of weather system would get messy and dangerous for dogs.

Even if you speak your mind and the person doesn’t change their behavior, you have already taken the first step towards being a stronger, healthy-boundaried individual who only surrounds themselves with people who respect them.

One more note about your prep work. Realize that the conversation you are going to have in real life is probably WAY better than the conversation you’ve been having in your head. There’s a really good chance that the other person actually takes it well, and you won’t have to stress anymore.

Set the Stage

When you are calm, less emotional, and able to handle the conversation, approach the other person. Ask them if you can speak with them (privately). This is an important step. Just because you are in a good place (emotionally) to talk, doesn’t mean they are in a good place to listen. If they are rushing off, busy working, or otherwise distracted, you will not have their full attention and will definitely not get the response you are hoping for.

Once they have agreed to hear you, you can use one of the following sentences to introduce the conversation. These are just suggestions to help guide you. Feel free to tweak them or use your own.

• “Thank you for agreeing to speak with me. You may have noticed that I’ve been a little short lately.”
• “I appreciate your concern. Yes, I am upset with you, and I’d like to clear the air.”
• “Something has been bothering me, and I’d like to discuss it with you.”

Brush up on the 3 C’s of Communicating Boundaries.

Have “The Talk”

It’s important to be very clear about what is bothering you. If you go into this talk pointing fingers (literally or figuratively) and saying things like “You made me so angry the other day” or “You always do this,” you will damage your credibility and come across as controlled by emotion. Instead, you want to point to a specific incident that triggered the need for this conversation.

“Last Tuesday, you said the following:_____________” While it may not have been your intention, I felt _________ when you said that. I know this has always been our relationship dynamic. However, I am no longer comfortable with it. Going forward, I would appreciate it if ________________.”

Obviously, feel free to play around with that, insert your own situation, change up the wording, etc. As long as you are clear about the “infraction,” let them know that, yes, this is a change from the way it’s always been, and explain how you would like things to be moving forward; you can communicate your boundary in a way that strengthens the relationship.

It can also be helpful to let the person know that you don’t necessarily believe they intended to harm you. That takes some of the accusations away, allowing them to be less defensive.

When you are done sharing, listen to their response and thank them for listening (if they did indeed listen). If you are not pleased with their reaction, remind yourself that you have no control over others, just the access others have to you.

Follow Up Care

Rome wasn’t built in a day, and your boundaries won’t be either. It will take time, reminders, and sticking to your guns to teach people how you want to be treated. If there are people in your life who refuse to get on board, you will need to decide as to whether they get to keep being in your life.

Conclusion

When a boundary has been violated, you needn’t respond immediately, but you do need to respond. Burying your feelings will only work for so long, and you will hurt yourself and your relationship in the process. Calm down, gather your thoughts, and practice the conversation before speaking with the other person. Then, remember your 3 Cs of communicating and have an open, honest chat to clear the air.

About Sheryl Green

Sheryl Green is a Mental Health speaker and author and the “How to Say No” Expert. She works with individuals and organizations to establish healthy boundaries to improve relationships, communication, and well-being. Her mission is to make the world a better place… one boundary at a time. Learn more about her entertaining and illuminating programs or contact her at 702.885.4309.

Get her How to Say No cheat sheet.