Do you know how to recognize a Boundary Buster?

Have you noticed how good phishing emails are getting lately? Not a day goes by that I don’t receive an email (that’s made it through spam filters) asking me to change a password, sign a document, pay a bill, or update my credit card information. The logo is impressive; they’ve managed not to spell anything wrong, and it legitimately looks like it could be from the actual company.

There’s just one problem. When you click on the From address, it is most certainly NOT from the company they claim to be. Just today, I received an email asking me to click on a link and reset my password. It came from a Help Desk… maybe it’s legit! But when I look at the return email address, it’s from vvip-mail.smtpx-cheatergaming.com. Let me go ahead and NOT click any links they’ve provided!

Look, I’m not a cybersecurity specialist. I don’t even play one on TV. However, I think we can learn quite a bit about boundary setting from these phishing emails, primarily how to identify a Boundary Buster and what to do about it.

What is a Boundary Buster

In “You Had Me At No: How Setting Healthy Boundaries Helps Banish Burnout, Repair Relationships, and Save Your Sanity,” I coined the term Boundary Buster. First, a crash course in what could happen when you set a boundary. There will be one of three responses when you begin to set boundaries:

1. This individual will accept it immediately and be proud of your growth.
2. They push back a bit, but ultimately, they care about you and your well-being, and they want you in their lives. This person won’t like it initially, but they will accept your new boundaries.
3. They will NOT accept your new boundaries and will do absolutely everything in their power to manipulate you back into your old way of being. This may include throwing a temper tantrum, taking you on a guilt trip, calling you names, pulling out the Victim card (and then making you the Persecutor because you refuse to come to their rescue), or even throwing up their own “boundary” by saying something like, “Whatever. If you don’t do this for me, I’ll never ask you for anything again.” (P.S. That’s not a boundary, that’s their immaturity rearing its ugly head.)

If you haven’t guessed it already, Number 3 is what I call a Boundary Buster. They will make it their life’s work to get you to change your decision and do whatever it is they are asking you to do.

How to Recognize a Boundary Buster

Now that you understand what you might be dealing with, it’s time to recognize their “return email address.”

There are three types of people who will fall into the Boundary Buster category.

People with narcissistic personal disorder

If you’re not a licensed therapist, you shouldn’t be diagnosing your friends and family. However, there are certain symptoms              that may lead you to believe you are dealing with a narcissist and will have difficulties setting boundaries. Narcissists often:

• Feel (and act) superior to those around them
• Believe they are entitled to special treatment

• Want what they want and are unconcerned with the well-being of those around them
• Lack empathy
• Are patronizing to those around them

If you suspect you’re dealing with a narcissist, please note that it may be more difficult to set healthy boundaries. This doesn’t mean you shouldn’t! (It’s actually even more essential) We’ll discuss this more in a bit.

Individuals who are emotionally immature

Whether they are young or just have a low EQ, emotionally immature people believe that it is everyone else’s responsibility to make them happy and prevent them from feeling uncomfortable. (Of course, we know the only person with the power to do that is themselves.) Emotionally immature people often:

• Lack empathy
• Avoid responsibility
• Are self-centered
• Do not learn from (or admit) their mistakes

These people will blame you for setting healthy boundaries and try to make you feel as if you are attacking them and hurting them.

People who don’t have healthy boundaries themselves

In my experience, this is the most common challenge. If someone doesn’t have healthy boundaries, it’s nearly impossible for them to recognize and accept them from others. For example, picture someone who runs themselves ragged. They are running Mach 5, with their hair on fire from the wee hours of the morning until late at night. They never say No; they take more and more onto their plate, and they have nothing but unhealthy coping mechanisms. Got someone in mind that you know? Now picture telling them No. Did your head just explode? You can barely comprehend it because you know they won’t understand or respect your need for boundaries.

We don’t need to go through the symptoms for these folks. If you’re reading this, you probably know these symptoms all too well.

How to Handle a Boundary Buster

Well, you’ve got one, don’t you? There’s someone in your life who has figuratively thrown themselves on the supermarket floor, screaming, crying, and kicking because you refused to buy them their usual pudding snack packs. What are you going to do now?

First, put down the pudding. You were actually thinking of buying it, weren’t you? I get it. It seems like it’s easier to placate a Boundary Buster, avoid the drama, squash the conflict, and go back to how things were. They will love that. You, on the other hand, will HATE IT. Why? Because you now know better. You know that if they disrespect your boundaries, they are disrespecting you. Stand your ground. You deserve to have healthy boundaries. No one can take that away from you.

Second, accept that they may not be in your life for much longer. Yup, I said it. I know that may hurt. Casting someone out of your life can be painful. They’ve been there for so long… but, as my husband loves to say, “What do they bring to the table?”

Just because someone has been in your life for a long time doesn’t mean they get to continue. Once Boundary Busters have identified themselves, and you have continued to stand your ground, there’s a good chance they will either self-select out of your world. If they do not, you will have to do it. If it comes to the latter, take a long, hard look at why you still have a relationship with them. If you can’t come up with a good reason, release them with love.

Conclusion

There will be many bumps along your healthy boundary-setting journey. Remember to always check the “return email address.” Identifying the Boundary Busters and knowing how to deal with them will make your experience that much smoother.

If you need help identifying the Boundary Busters in your life, let’s chat. Schedule your free Boundary Breakthrough discussion today.

About Sheryl Green

Sheryl Green is a Mental Health speaker and author and the “How to Say No” Expert. She works with individuals and organizations to establish healthy boundaries to improve relationships, communication, and well-being. Her mission is to make the world a better place… one boundary at a time. Learn more about her entertaining and illuminating programs or contact her at 702.885.4309.

Get her How to Say No cheat sheet.