I met a new friend this weekend. We were chatting, sharing our experiences with one another, when he said something that threw me:

“I think what’s awesome about you is your willingness to say “Yes.”

Wait… what? Me? The How to Say No expert? How could my awesomeness possibly be due to saying, “Yes?”

I laughed it off, thanked him, and spent the next two days with my head cocked to the side like a confused puppy, trying to make sense of his statement.

Sure, I’d gotten to where I am today by saying Yes. I said Yes to getting out of my comfort zone and joining a writer’s group. Yes to stepping into a leadership role within the organization. Yes to joining Toastmasters so I didn’t pass out when I addressed the aforementioned organization. Yes to speaking contests, leadership opportunities, new skills, new friends, a new career, etc. etc. etc.

My new friend only saw the times I said Yes. He only saw the opportunities I took. What he couldn’t see… all the times I’d said No.

The only reason I was able to say Yes to what I did, was because I said No to everything else.

Well-Meaning Advice

Throughout your life and your career, you’ve no doubt encountered people who (with the best of intentions) have given you advice.

For example, during my search for “what to be when I grow up,” a well-intended family member suggested I become a pharmacist. He’d done well in his career, so it would be good for me – right?

Wrong. I’m terrible at chemistry (seriously, terrible), I lean more towards Eastern Medicine in my beliefs and avoid medication whenever possible, and, I am not the most patient individual. I would be an AWFUL pharmacist. Like, horrific.

He meant well. But if I’d taken his advice, I’d have struggled through school, and if I actually graduated, I’d be miserable every single day.

Thankfully, I said No to his well-meaning advice. This isn’t to say that no one around you can guide you along your journey. We need mentors and coaches every step of the way. We just need to make sure that they not only have our best interests in mind but also:

• A strong understanding of who we are
• What we stand for
• What we are good at
• Our goals
• Likes and dislikes
• etc.

Choose your mentors wisely and be very selective of the advice you take. There are a lot of shiny squirrels out there, and you don’t want to spend your life chasing them.

Opportunities (or Time Sucks in Sheep’s Clothing)

During this period of Yesses, I had a friend who liked to party. She loved going out, dancing, drinking, and staying out until all hours of the night. Don’t get me wrong, I’d never done this before, so it was pretty exciting to me as well. However, there were many nights I had to say No to going out because I knew it would ruin the next day.

Imagine if I’d gone out drinking the night before a Toastmaster’s contest. Hangovers don’t do much for stage presence – not to mention remembering your speech.

Whether it’s time partying, courses you don’t need, jobs that won’t lead you where you want to go, or any other “opportunity,” we must evaluate every invitation we receive. Some are actual opportunities that will move us closer to our goals. Others are just time sucks in sheep’s clothing and will derail our efforts.

Energy Vampires

It would be wonderful if everyone we met lifted us up, encouraged us to be better versions of ourselves, and left us feeling positive and jazzed up for life. Wonderful… but not realistic.

There are all kinds of people in this world, and frankly, some of them are rather toxic. Some stir up drama, love to gossip, manipulate others to get their way, constantly criticize us, lie to us, or otherwise sabotage our ability to be our best selves.

Whether in our personal or professional lives, we need to identify these energy vampires and either remove them from our lives or greatly limit their access to us.

If you find yourself hanging on to people because “we’ve been friends forever,” it’s time to reevaluate your relationships and determine whether or not your friendship needs to continue.

When you open up space for healthier relationships, you’ll be amazed who shows up in your life!

Conclusion

From the outside in, it’s easy to see all the times someone said yes and embraced the opportunities they were presented. What the outsider can’t see is all the Nos that ALLOWED them the space to say yes. Whether it’s well-meaning friends and family offering up unhelpful advice, opportunities that are really just time sucks, or toxic relationships, it’s time to say No to what you don’t want so you can say Yes to what you do.

About Sheryl Green

Sheryl Green is a Mental Health speaker, author, and the “How to Say No” Expert. She works with individuals and organizations to establish healthy boundaries to improve relationships, communication, and well-being. Her mission is to make the world a better place… one boundary at a time. Learn more about her entertaining and illuminating programs or contact her at 702.885.4309.

Get her How to Say No cheat sheet.