The other night, I was lying in bed solving the world’s problems. Alright, if I’m being honest, I was trying to visualize sheep I could count to get back to sleep. They had black faces, and they were wearing glasses and bowties.
Apparently, I like my sheep distinguished.
In between my wooly little friends, a phrase popped into my head: The People-Pleasing Paradox.
“Sounds fancy, Sheryl. What exactly is the People-Pleasing Paradox?
Before we get into that, let’s talk about what it means to be a people-pleaser.
What is a People-Pleaser?
If you’ve never heard the term before or are wondering if you are a people pleaser, here are a few behaviors to watch out for. People-pleasers:
- Rarely say no
- Are highly impacted by the praise (or the criticism) of others
- Give more than you have to give (money, energy, time) and you suffer because of it
- Avoid conflict at all costs
- Don’t speak up when they disagree with something or feel they are being mistreated
- Are often smiling on the outside but filled with anger, resentment, and anxiety on the inside
Are you getting a mental picture right now? (Not of sheep, we’ve moved past that)
People-pleasers put everyone else’s needs above their own. They are often described with the phrase, “She would give you the shirt off her back.” There’s just one problem with that… public nudity. If you give someone the shirt off your back, you’re probably now naked and cold. You give too much and often go without because of it.
Where does People-Pleasing behavior come from?
If this all resonates with you and you’ve found yourself saying “check!” after each of the above behaviors, you might wonder why you’re like this. First, let me say you are NOT alone. In fact, a 2022 YouGov poll found that 49% of the adults surveyed self-identified as people-pleasers. That’s pretty much half the population. (Look at me and my math skills!) And, lest you think I’m speaking from a high horse, I assure you, I’m right there with you. I’ve taken people-pleasing to Olympic levels (if you’re going to do something, you might as well be awesome at it). Over the last three years, I’ve been working really hard to curtail the impulse. It’s a lot of work, but it’s totally worth it.
So, the next thing you need to know is that people-pleasers don’t usually start these behaviors as adults. Nope, once again, we can thank our childhood for this particular party. If you grew up in a dysfunctional home with a lot of yelling, fighting, or any kind of abuse, you may have adopted this behavior as a survival mechanism.
I lived with my mom and grandparents growing up. Screaming was the only form of communication my grandmother had mastered, so I did everything I could to fly under the radar, go unseen, and not do anything to upset the proverbial apple cart. If I made everyone else happy, I could probably stay safe. Apparently, I’m not alone, either. That same YouGov survey found that 70% of women “go to great lengths to avoid conflict.”
If you’re dealing with low self-esteem, fear of abandonment, difficulty trusting people close to you, or were taught that the way to garner attention and love is by being “good” or “accommodating,” there’s a strong chance you turned out to be a people-pleaser.
As I said, you are in good company… and you might not want to stay there.
The People-Pleasing Paradox
Here’s the moment you’ve been waiting for (and the first step to shedding this people-pleasing persona). The People-Pleasing Paradox states that when you try to please everyone, you can’t possibly do so. Why? Because YOU are part of everyone. You are a “people.” (I know, I know, that’s not grammatically correct, but you get me, right?)
This means that it is not PHYSICALLY possible to please everyone, so you might as well start with yourself.
Did you “ooh” and “ahhh?” Are you wondering if Einstein will pop out of his grave and fight me? Are you super uncomfortable right now and considering turning your attention to corgi videos? Just hang with me for another few minutes, and then you can spend the rest of your day watching those adorable fluffy bread butts.
How to Stop People-Pleasing
You’ve got one life (unless you believe in more, and that’s cool too). But with that one life (or several), you might as well be as happy as possible. As I always stipulate, I’m not suggesting that you become a greedy, selfish butthead who never does anything for anyone. What I am suggesting is that for the first time in your life, you put yourself first. Make sure you are wearing another layer before you give your shirt to someone.
Here are three ways to stop people-pleasing:
- Embrace discomfort. The first (and fiftieth) time you say No to someone, you may be met with crickets, a confused puppy head turn, or a “harumph.” Trust me, the 45 seconds to a minute of discomfort is going to be considerably less unpleasant than doing something you don’t want to do, dating someone you don’t want to date, or taking on a client you don’t want to take on… and having to do it for years or even a lifetime. Stop trying to keep the peace around you at the expense of the peace inside you. Need help saying No? Download your free cheat sheet.
- Realize that you are not responsible for other people’s feelings. While you may do something that “triggers” another person (ie: saying No), you have no control over how they choose to react. If they decide to be angry, they get to be angry. If they decide to be sad, they get to be sad. Don’t take ownership of their mood, and for the love of all that is furry, stop allowing their chosen emotions to control you or your behaviors.
- Speak up. If someone treats you in a way you do not want to be treated or speaks to you in a way you do not want to be spoken to, say something! It’s possible they didn’t realize the impact of their words or actions and will stop. There’s also the possibility they absolutely realized what they were doing and intended to mistreat you. Those people don’t deserve you.
What do all of these action items have in common? They all involve setting boundaries. Challenging? Yes. Necessary? Yes. Freeing? Abso-freaking-lutely.
Conclusion
If you’re ready to make your people-pleasing behavior a way of the past, it’s time to embrace discomfort, take responsibility for your feelings (and no one else’s), and speak up. If you’d like help setting healthy boundaries, book a Discovery Call with me, and let’s chat.
About the Author
Sheryl Green is a Mental Health speaker and author and the “How to Say No” Expert. She works with individuals and organizations to establish healthy boundaries to improve relationships, communication, and well-being. Her mission is to make the world a better place… one boundary at a time. Learn more about her entertaining and illuminating programs or contact her at 702.885.4309.
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