“I have no problem saying No. Yes, on the other hand… that’s really hard for me.”

If that resonates, know you’re not alone. While this type of boundary issue (rigid boundaries) isn’t quite as prevalent as people-pleasing, it still exists. And you might be surprised to hear that it comes from a similar place.

But before we dive into that, let’s discuss the different types of boundaries and what is ideal.

Three Different Types of Boundaries

First, picture a pendulum swinging from one extreme to the other. On one side of the pendulum, you find porous boundaries or what we commonly refer to as “people-pleasing.” These folks find it difficult to say No, stand up for themselves, make their needs known, know when to share personal information and when to keep it close to the vest, etc. They are great at connecting with others but not so good at protecting themselves. Yes is their go-to response.

On the other side of the pendulum, you’ll find rigid boundaries. These people have no problem saying no, but they find it difficult to let people in, trust others, ask for help, etc. These folks are great at protecting themselves but not so good at connecting with others. No is their go-to response. They are unwilling to compromise and have few close relationships. They have essentially built a wall around themselves. Think about Jim Carrey’s character in Yes Man.

In the middle, we find our happy medium. Healthy boundaries are established on a case-by-case basis. People with healthy boundaries know when to share personal information to connect with another person and when not to air their dirty laundry. They are able to say No when they don’t want to do something and Yes when they do. Healthy boundaried folks communicate their needs, speak up when something is bothering them, and respect the beliefs and boundaries of others. This is where we want to be for optimum happiness and mental health.

Where Do Rigid Boundaries Come From?

Much like porous boundaries, overly rigid boundaries occur when proper boundaries aren’t taught or demonstrated in childhood. They can develop from a number of situations, including:

1. Childhood abuse leads you to believe that the world is an unsafe place from which you need protection.
2. You had weak (porous) boundaries at some point, and instead of learning how to set healthy boundaries, you just threw up a wall around you.
3. You’ve been let down by people in the past, and it’s a lot easier not to ask for anything than to risk being let down again.

Rigid boundaries can occur for a number of reasons. The thing to remember is that they are born out of pain and a desire to avoid that pain in the future by controlling the narrative around them. This all sounds good, but unfortunately, having overly rigid boundaries leads to a very lonely existence.

Moving From Rigid to Healthy (Flexible) Boundaries

If the above resonates with you and you’ve identified that you do indeed have rigid boundaries, there is hope! While you can’t fix boundary issues overnight, it is possible to build those muscles and create a life filled with flexible boundaries and healthy relationships. Let’s take a look at some of the ways you can begin setting healthy boundaries today.

Identify what you really want

Often, our rigid boundaries stand in the way of us living the lives we truly want to live. If you truly want to meet a partner and have someone to share your life with, turning down every invitation to go out, refusing to create an online dating profile, and saying No when your friends offer to set you up, is not going to get you there.

If you really want to move to a new company or change positions within your existing company but aren’t willing to compromise on details like title, travel, salary, benefits, or responsibilities, you will be searching for a very long time.

Now, I’m not saying you should compromise on EVERYTHING. Not at all. In life, we have to pick and choose our battles. Understand what matters most to you, identify your non-negotiables, and then open yourself up to life’s possibilities.

Embrace the power of the pause

Much like people-pleasers are prone to “Yes vomiting” (responding to invitations or requests for assistance or before the person has finished asking), people with rigid boundaries often suffer from “No vomiting.” They don’t take the time to evaluate the request and make an informed, intentional decision.

When someone invites you to do something, requests your assistance, or offers to take some responsibilities off your plate, take a deep breath and hold off on responding right away. Give your brain time to kick in and determine whether this is something you want to/have to do, and if you have the resources to carry it out.

Look at who is asking

Sure, there are probably people in your life who have hurt you. Maybe they didn’t come through when they promised to help you. Perhaps they blabbed something you shared with them in confidence, or maybe they just treat you poorly when you are together. There are bound to be some of these people in your life… but it’s probably not EVERYONE EVER.

Evaluate requests and opportunities based on who is bringing them to you. If this person has always been honest, had your best interests at heart, and proved to be trustworthy, there’s no need to assign your fears of being hurt to them and their invitations.

Practice these techniques and cut yourself some slack. You won’t be perfect right out of the gate. Setting healthy boundaries takes time, patience, and a willingness to feel uncomfortable for a little while.

Conclusion

There is a happy medium when it comes to setting boundaries in your life. You can work towards flexible, healthy boundaries no matter which direction your pendulum is currently swinging. Identify your desires, embrace the pause, and look at who the request is coming from. These tips will help you loosen up your rigid boundaries and let the good people and opportunities through.

About Sheryl Green

Sheryl Green is a Mental Health speaker and author and the “How to Say No” Expert. She works with individuals and organizations to establish healthy boundaries to improve relationships, communication, and well-being. Her mission is to make the world a better place… one boundary at a time. Learn more about her entertaining and illuminating programs or contact her at 702.885.4309.

Get her How to Say No cheat sheet.