Whose negative core beliefs are you holding onto?

Are you fascinated by dream interpretation? It always blows my mind how remnants of your day combine with the innermost workings of your psyche to put on a meaningful show while you sleep. Sometimes, my dreams are pretty obvious. Sometimes, I wonder why I’m being chased by a chain-smoking manatee with a driver’s license.

Last night, I had a dream (no manatees involved) that I was cleaning out my old childhood bedroom. I sat on the dark blue carpet, staring at the rainforest scene painted on the wall, cleaning out my closets and drawers. There were piles of items to donate all over the room, and I (and whoever was in the dream with me) navigated through piles of my old life.

At one point, I stepped out of the room and looked backward. Up against the wall was an antique wooden secretary my mom got from her grandmother. This piece of furniture is currently at my mom’s house in Ohio, and months ago, we discussed that she wanted me to have it when she passed. I’m not super sentimental and not a huge fan of renting a U-Haul to drive halfway across the country, so I told her we’d discuss it further.

Back to my dream. I looked at that piece of furniture with several trinkets on display and thought, “Nothing in there is even mine…”

Negative Beliefs

I’d be lying if I told you that the inside of my brain is like walking into a Happy Meal. I have dark thoughts, battle self-esteem challenges, and question my purpose and worth. In fact, this boundary journey has brought many of these thoughts to light. However, I will go out on a limb here and say… I’m not alone. I believe everyone experiences these (or similar) thoughts.

If this resonates with you, keep reading. We’re about to dive into how to uncover these negative core beliefs, identify where they came from, and nip them in their ugly little buds.

Uncovering Negative Core Beliefs

There you are, moseying through your day when it feels like a dark cloud has parked above your head. Your previous good mood is gone, and you now doubt whether you deserve to exist. What the heck happened?!?

Chances are, a subconscious script started playing in your head. In “You Had Me At No: How Setting Healthy Boundaries Helps Banish Burnout, Repair Relationships, and Save Your Sanity,” I described this script as:

Think about that crawl space in your closet that’s only accessible using a ladder and a prayer. You store things up there, but it’s so damn inconvenient to get to (I’m talking to you, creepy, rickety, splintery, pull-out ladder) that you don’t actually remember what’s up there. Well, say that you put an old music box up there for safekeeping. That music box is equally creepy and turns itself on every once in a while, playing the magical Nutcracker’s “Waltz of the Flowers” every few days. (I promise you, this isn’t an Edgar Allan Poe story, and there is no one buried in the wall.)

You may not be directly accessing that music box, but you can sure as hell hear the music. That music is your beliefs. They are really difficult to get to, but they are running on a loop pretty much all the time, and just like that music box that might be driving you to action (now, it’s going to be an Edgar Allan Poe story), your beliefs are driving your actions and making your decisions for you. Keep that in mind as we continue on.

When you notice the dark cloud, take a minute and backtrack through your thought process. What comes to mind? Can you identify a negative thought? If so, write it down. You’ve just identified a negative core belief, and identifying a problem is the first step to solving it.

Another way to identify negative core beliefs is to see themes in your life. Do you always panic or shut down when it comes to earning, spending, or talking about money? What about relationships? Is it easy to find people to date or be friends with, but keeping them is another story? When you see these themes in your life, sit with them. Find a quiet place to journal or meditate and question why you experience the same situations or the same fears time and time again. You’re likely to find another negative core belief at the root of this theme.

Identifying the Source of Our Core Beliefs

Uncovering negative core beliefs may take some time. Once you’ve found a few (don’t get too excited, there’s probably more where that came from), it’s time to identify where they originated. Is this essential to your healing? Possibly not. Could it be cathartic in its own right? In the words of the Kool-Aid Man… “Oh yeah!”

As always, I’m not looking to throw parents under the bus. Every human being is dealing with their own demons, and it’s hard not to pass that along to your children. However, understanding that your negative core beliefs may have come from someone else is a fantastic way to release it.

I’ll give you a real softball example: Seinfeld came on the air while I was in elementary school and lasted through my high school years. My mom didn’t like Seinfeld. If you asked me a few weeks ago, I would’ve told you I don’t like Seinfeld. Thankfully, my husband and some friends insisted that I watch it. It’s a good show! Just yesterday, I cut up a cantaloupe and informed my hubby that if Kramer were there, he’d insist we return the cantaloupe to the market.

Not liking Seinfeld wasn’t my core belief!

Of course, this doesn’t just have to do with taste in sitcoms. You could be holding onto negative core beliefs around your self-worth, attractiveness, ability to trust others, money, commitment, etc. If something just popped into your mind, write it down. There’s a good chance you just identified someone else’s negative core belief you’re holding onto.

In “The Big Leap,” Guy Hendricks identifies different causes of an Upper Limit problem (a setting that causes us to self-sabotage so we don’t achieve greater success than we believe we deserve). One of these possibilities is Disloyalty and Abandonment.

“I cannot expand to my full success because it would cause me to end up all alone, be disloyal to my roots, and leave behind people from my past.”

Ouch! You literally think you don’t deserve to do well because your parents don’t think they deserve to do well. If you’re holding on to someone else’s beliefs, it’s time to say adios. (That’s almost four years of Duolingo Spanish right there!)

Rewriting Our Negative Core Beliefs

Whether you’ve identified their source, we certainly don’t want to continue with this old, creepy music box playing in our brains. So, what can we do about it?

In my book, I suggested an exercise borrowed from a T-cover letter (used to apply for jobs). Here’s the gist: once you’ve identified a negative core belief, rewrite it! For example:

• “I am not lovable” becomes “I am lovable”
• “Money is evil” becomes “Money is energy, and I can choose to do good with it”
• “I cannot stand up for myself” becomes “I can make my needs known”

Now that you’ve outlined your positive beliefs, print those puppies out and post them somewhere you can see and read them daily. These are now your positive affirmations. Before you read them, take deep breaths to calm your nervous system, and read! TMI coming your way… I have a list of positive affirmations hanging on the shower door. Every time I go potty, I read the list out loud.

Rewiring the brain doesn’t happen overnight, but it does happen.

Conclusion

No matter where you are in your life, it’s a great time to check in with yourself and identify any negative core beliefs that you may be holding onto… especially if they aren’t even yours. Figure out what subconscious program you’ve got running, see if you can identify where it came from, and then rewrite it!

If you’d like to learn more about uncovering negative core beliefs that are standing in the way of the life you want to live, I’m offering free Boundary Discovery calls to help. Book a discovery call today, and let’s chat.

About Sheryl Green

Sheryl Green is a Mental Health speaker and author and the “How to Say No” Expert. She works with individuals and organizations to establish healthy boundaries to improve relationships, communication, and well-being. Her mission is to make the world a better place… one boundary at a time. Learn more about her entertaining and illuminating programs or contact her at 702.885.4309.

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