In 2007, I worked for one of the mortgage companies that kicked off the subprime mortgage crisis. (Don’t hate me… I just did tech support.) Until one day, our “pink slip” came in the shape of a padlock on the front door.
For the next 6 months, I applied for job after job while watching my unemployment benefits dwindle. Did I mention I’d just bought a house three months earlier, and my husband (at the time) was making minimum wage?
Two weeks before my benefits ran out, I FINALLY got an interview. I had just finished reading “What Color is Your Parachute” by Richard Nelson Bolles, and armed with negotiation tactics and WAY more confidence than someone with 14 days left of cash flow should have, I sauntered into my interview.
They offered me the job on the spot.
I rejected their initial offer and ultimately secured a higher starting rate, along with a guaranteed bonus after three months.
Yeah, I was just as surprised as you are right now.
It took 18 years and reading “10x Is Easier Than 2x” to understand what happened.
Are You a Buyer or a Seller?
I now understand that the reason I was able to nail the interview and negotiate a higher starting salary than they offered is because I was a Buyer.
No, not the kind who picks out the next season’s fashion for Nordstrom (unless the world is ready for yoga pants 24/7, that would not be a great job for me). Being a Buyer means, “You have clear standards for yourself, and you know what you want,” says Dr. Benjamin Hardy and Dan Sullivan.
The opposite, of course, is a Seller. Truthfully, if I had been a Seller in that situation – a brand new mortgage payment and a ticking unemployment benefit clock – it would’ve been perfectly understandable. After all, I was desperate. I NEEDED that job.
Thankfully, by the grace of Mr. Bolles, I was able to shift my mindset and wow the pants off everyone in that interview room.
How Your Mindset Impacts Boundary-Setting
If you’re a leader, whether it’s at work, in the community, or with your family, you MUST become a Buyer.
Your job is to make decisions based on alignment with your mission, goals, and priorities, rather than out of guilt, people-pleasing, or manufactured urgency.
Unfortunately, if you are stuck in Seller mode, you’ll:
- Say yes to every request to avoid disappointing others
- Take on extra work that isn’t aligned because “someone has to”
- Put up with misaligned projects, relationships, and behaviors because you’re afraid of conflict
- Spend your time putting out other people’s fires instead of creating your own agenda
- Set the tone (for your entire team or family) for blurred boundaries, burnout, and resentment
“As the Seller, you’ll twist yourself into uncomfortable shapes to be accepted. You’re unclear on and uncommitted to your intrinsically crafted standards. You continually lower or change your standards to ‘get the sale,’” says Hardy and Sullivan.
Luckily, by shifting into Buyer Mode, you can create a healthy environment for yourself and everyone you work with (or live with).
What “Buyer Mode” Looks Like in Leadership
Every “Buyer” has a certain set of characteristics by which they operate. To be this type of leader:
- You set goals and know what success looks like.
- You know what matters most for your organization and make decisions that support those priorities.
- You say No to distractions (even the “good ideas”) so you can say Yes to the opportunities that align with your mission and move you closer to your goal.
- You are accessible to your team, but don’t let their discomfort or “fires” dictate your time, attention, or decisions. (You can learn how to create an Open-Calendar Policy here)
- You delegate work that others can do (and empower them to do it) so you can focus on your “ninja skills.” You also understand your employees’ roles and capacity, and don’t overburden them with tasks.
- You’re transparent on how and why decisions get made.
- You create a psychologically safe environment where your employees (or family members) feel comfortable setting their boundaries.
If you’re not already exhibiting these characteristics, it’s not too late to start.
Conclusion
Being a Buyer means stepping out of the desperate, “need” mindset, knowing your value, your goals, and your priorities, and then saying No to everything that doesn’t align. Whether it’s with your team at work or your family at home, it’s not about doing what they want, but about doing what’s best for them.
If you or your team are stuck in ‘Seller Mode’ — overcommitting, people-pleasing, and burning out — it’s time to change that. Let’s connect and build a culture where boundaries fuel performance, not friction.
