“We all need people who will give us feedback. That’s how we improve.” – Bill Gates
Whether in a professional situation or a personal situation, you’ve likely had the opportunity to provide feedback on someone’s performance. The real question is whether they’ve actually received that feedback.
Therapeutic Boundaries
Six weeks ago, I began a treatment known as Rolfing. For as long as I can remember, I’ve had issues with my back, neck, and hip, which have caused me anywhere from mild to excruciating pain. Throw in a rollover car accident, 20+ years of headbanging (what can I say, I like metal), and a run-in between a hair towel and a hoodie that left me with whiplash… let’s just say it hasn’t gotten better over the years.
So when I heard about this treatment (aka Structural Integration), I figured it was worth a try.
That’s when I learned the term “therapeutic boundaries.”
You see, rolfing hurts… a lot. I’ve never given birth to a child, so it’s easily the worst pain I’ve ever experienced. However, the practitioner explained that there’s a pain threshold. Once you pass that threshold, it goes from helpful to harmful. Your muscles tighten, you end up adding tension in places rather than releasing it, and it can actually hurt you in the long run.
What does this have to do with giving feedback?
Well, I believe that there are therapeutic boundaries around critiques as well. If you’ve ever been laid into by a boss, a client, an editor, a teacher, a parent, or a friend, and wished you could curl up in the fetal position and just die… someone probably surpassed your therapeutic boundary.
How to Provide Feedback While Respecting Therapeutic Boundaries
Yes, normally, I put the responsibility to set and uphold boundaries on the individual person. But here’s the problem when it comes to giving feedback while respecting therapeutic boundaries… most people aren’t self-aware enough to know:
- a) what’s happening
- b) that there’s a problem
- c) that they can do anything about it.
Imagine you call one of your employees (we’ll call her Sensitive Suzy) into your office. Her work hasn’t been up to par lately, and it’s time to have a sit-down. Unfortunately, you don’t know Suzy very well. You don’t realize that she doesn’t handle straight criticism well, and you come in HOT. Screaming, spittle flying out of your mouth, that vein in your forehead threatening to pop.
Within seconds, Suzy has either burst into tears, or she’s dissociated from her body, gone to her “safe” place, and hasn’t heard a word you’ve said.
Now, this may be overly dramatized, but chances are, something similar is happening in your organization, or in your personal life every day.
Your feedback may be alienating people.
Don’t Just Give Feedback. Have it Received
“I’ve got this under control, Sheryl. I use the Sandwich Method.”
Oh, the good ol’ sandwich method. Tell them something they did that was good, give them something with room for improvement, and then follow it up with another good thing.
Let’s play that out with Sensitive Suzy:
“Suzy, you have really good attendance. I appreciate that you always show up on time to work. Unfortunately, when you get to work, everything you produce is a steaming pile of poop. Thanks for bringing donuts on Wednesdays, though. It’s a great pick me up for the team.”
Again, overly dramatized, but do you see where I’m going with this? How you give feedback has less to do with the structure and more to do with understanding who you are speaking to, respecting their (often unspoken) therapeutic boundaries, and tailoring your critique to the person you’re giving it to and your desired outcome.
Let’s take a closer look at how to do this.
- Get to Know Your People
You have a WIDE variety of employees working for you, friends and family you interact with, etc. Some (like Suzy) are extremely sensitive. (That would be me!) Others may require you to take a hard stance and provide feedback like a drill instructor. Some of your employees may appreciate sarcasm, while others may take offense to it. One employee may relish blunt instructions, while another would appreciate a gentle approach.
Get to know the people you are giving feedback to. Understand their personality and (crazy idea coming…) ask them how they like to be spoken to.
- Start with the Outcome in Mind
Before you begin a conversation where you’ll deliver critique or feedback, figure out what you hope to get out of it. Do you want to support the person to change and perform better? Or are you giving them a last warning before you fire them? Your goal will dictate how you approach the conversation.
- Choose Your Spice Level
Once you’ve figured out who you are talking to and what you want to get out of the conversation, it’s time to choose your spice level. Must like salsa, you should deliver your feedback as mild, medium, or spicy. Spicy isn’t for everyone… but for some, mild won’t even get their attention.
“Criticism, like rain, should be gentle enough to nourish a man’s growth without destroying his roots.” – Frank A. Clark
Have I Lost You?
Finally, you need to recognize the signs when someone is shutting down.
While expert opinions vary, it’s believed that between 60% and 90% of communication is nonverbal. That means your employee (or family member) may not tell you they can’t handle your feedback, but they will likely show you.
Watch the person and look for the following signs:
- Avoiding eye contact
- Seeming distracted
- Tearing up
- Slumping over slightly in their chair or becoming more rigid
- Crossing their arms
- Providing only short, one-word responses
- Lacking any expression on their face
When you see this, there’s a good chance that person has shut down. At best, they’ve stopped absorbing what you’re saying. At worst, they’ve drifted off to a place where they feel safe (which may or may not involve unicorns and lollipops falling from the sky), and they aren’t even hearing you.
According to Joe Nemmers, LISW with Unity Point Health, “In the face of physical or emotional pain, or a traumatic incident, our sympathetic nervous system has three responses: fight, flight or freeze. Emotional numbing is freezing. Our brain shuts down as a protective response to keep us safe when our nervous system is overloaded.”
While you may not have gotten your point across, you’ve learned a valuable lesson. When providing feedback to this person, you need to take a gentler approach. It’s usually best to end the meeting and give them some time to process before providing further information.
Conclusion
When it comes to our professional and personal relationships, it’s important to understand that a one-size-fits-all approach to feedback is not appropriate. Everyone is different (and that’s actually a good thing), and you want to make sure that when you speak to someone, you are staying within their therapeutic boundaries and communicating in a way that benefits them.
