“What if they don’t respect my boundaries?

Truthfully, this is one of the most common questions I get asked, whether I’m training a team or coaching an individual. People want to make sure that if they go through the hard work of setting boundaries, they will be instantly respected and adhered to.

Oh, how I wish this were true.

I’d love to tell you that as soon as you utter your first boundary, the rain clouds will part, cartoon birdies will appear and start doing your laundry, and every human being you encounter will fall into line and do exactly what you ask of them.

I’d love to tell you that… but I can’t.

We humans are complex creatures, and we also have the memory of a goldfish with a lateral pallium injury (it’s similar to the hippocampus in mammals and stores memories – go ahead and win Jeopardy now. You’re welcome!)

In this article, we will discuss what might be preventing the people in your life (or your business) from adhering to your boundaries and what you can do when they don’t respect your boundaries.

Why Don’t They Respect My Boundaries?

There are a number of reasons why someone may ignore or cross your boundary even after you’ve set it.

You weren’t clear.

Seriously, Sheryl? You’re blaming me?

No, no. This isn’t a blame situation. However, I’m a proponent of 100% radical responsibility when it comes to boundary setting, so you’d better check yourself before you wreck yourself. (I had to. I apologize. I’ll see myself out.)

Did you actually communicate the boundary, or did you just decide on it in your own head and then whisper it into the wind, hoping they’d magically hear it? I get it, communicating boundaries can be scary… but most people aren’t mind readers.

They aren’t capable of adhering to your boundary.

When we first moved my dad into a memory care facility (for his dementia), I was worried he wouldn’t feel safe and cared for, so I always wanted to be available to talk when he needed me.

Unfortunately, he’d call me every 10 minutes. No joke. I’ve got the phone records to prove it.

When we had plans, I’d tell him that I was coming to see him the next morning at 8 am, and between that phone call and 8 am the next morning, he’d call me anywhere between 20 and 40 times to confirm the time.

It was unsustainable for me, and unhelpful for him. But asking him not to call so much… not an option. I could have the conversation, but he’d forget about it three minutes later. It wasn’t that he wanted to upset me. He was not capable of adhering to that boundary. Ultimately, I had to decide how many times I’d answer the phone and when I was available to talk. I had to set a boundary with myself because I couldn’t set one with him.

Whether you are dealing with the elderly, the sick, a child, or anyone else incapable of understanding, sometimes they just can’t do what you’re asking them to do.

They forget out of habit.

My husband and I love one another dearly. I can’t imagine doing life without him. That being said, every time he drapes the clean towel over the edge of the kitchen sink, I die a little inside. I’ve asked him not to do it. I’ve explained why I don’t like it there. Yet, all too often, there it is…

Now, I’m guilty of this as well. He likes our kitchen island to be clear, and I have a habit of leaving my purse, my mail, a book that I’m currently reading, and my sunglasses perched on the countertop. I’m not doing it to piss him off, it’s just muscle memory.

We have to remind each other… a lot.

They don’t like change.

Let’s say you’ve always been there for your sister. If she needs to talk, your ear is always available (even at 11 pm the night before your big presentation, or at 6 am on Sunday when you’ve just worked a 6-day week and need to rest). When she needs a babysitter, you are there. When she wants to go shopping, you are there.

Until you’re not. You just set some boundaries, and your sister… is NOT HAPPY.

She’s come to accept a certain level of access to you, and you’ve gone and messed everything up with your stupid boundary-setting!

You didn’t do anything wrong (keep setting those boundaries!). However, while your sister loves you, she also loves everything you do for her. When that changes, it may take her some time to get on board.

They don’t care about you… Just what you do for them.

There are people in your life who are only in your life because of what you do for them, or what they can get away with in your presence. Perhaps they like gossiping or spewing racist, sexist, or otherwise hateful speech in front of you. Most people won’t tolerate that, but you sit there, nod, and giggle uncomfortably. You make a good audience.

Until you don’t.

When you speak up, when you set your boundaries… they may no longer have much use for you. Hurts to hear, but it brings us to our next point.

What to Do When People Don’t Respect Your Boundaries

Last week, I had a conversation with a woman who said that life is too short to surround yourself with people who don’t respect your boundaries.

I agree 100%!

But… I don’t think the world is that black and white. Before you cast someone out of your life, I think it’s important to figure out which one of those categories they fall into.

1. If you weren’t clear when you set the boundary, that’s on you. If they are unaware of exactly what the boundary is, they will unknowingly cross it. Be extremely clear when setting boundaries and explain precisely what behavior is no longer acceptable.

If you’ve made it perfectly clear and they still choose to cross that boundary, now they’ve moved into # 5 – but we’re getting ahead of ourselves.

2. If they aren’t capable, it’s time to adjust your expectations. I’m certainly not going to stop talking to my dad and cut him out of my life just because he can’t remember not to blow up my phone.

Are there situations where the other person isn’t capable of adhering to boundaries, and you should step away from the relationship? I’m sure there are. True narcissists (not just Instagram, “I’ve diagnosed my boss” narcissists) may not be able to respect your boundaries. That doesn’t mean you should stick around and get abused.

3. If the other person forgets out of habit, they will likely come around eventually. I’m not planning on divorcing my husband over his kitchen towel transgressions. Nor do I think he intends to leave me because of my purse and sunglasses. If neither of us ever does get it right, that’s fine too. This is not the hill to die on.

When it comes to more important boundaries, such as respect, loyalty, and monogamy, these would be actual deal breakers.

4. If they don’t like change, and prefer you when you did everything for them… but they still love you, it may take some time for them to adjust to this new normal. If you care about the relationship. Have patience. Have boundaries, but have patience. Remind them that (whatever it is) matters to you, and if they care about you and would like to continue the relationship, things will be changing.

The most important step to take in this case is to stand your ground. If you set a boundary and then backtrack because someone else doesn’t like it, you’ll make it even harder to set boundaries (with them and with others) in the future.

5. If they don’t care about you, you have my blessing to say sayonara. These people (Boundary Busters as I called them in my book “You Had Me At No”) don’t give a rat’s behind about you, your feelings, your well-being, or your needs. This is a one-sided relationship, and if they aren’t getting what they want, they have no use for you.

Great news… you have no use for them either. Say goodbye, cut ties, and fill your life with people who want to create a relationship where you both benefit.

Conclusion

Relationships are everything in this world, and many are worth fighting for. No, you shouldn’t have to put up with disrespect or boundary violations. However, before you block that person from your cellphone and your life, consider why it’s happening and whether you care enough about the relationship to address the issue.

Protect yourself and your relationships.

About Sheryl Green

Sheryl Green is all about no B.S. Boundaries for better performance. She works with teams to create workplaces that run like a well-oiled machine, keep top talent happy, and crush goals—without crushing people. Her mission is to make the world a better place… one boundary at a time. Learn more about her entertaining and illuminating programs or contact her at 702.885.4309.