Would you rather experience a few moments of discomfort or a lifetime of resentment?

In the late 1960s/early 1970s, a scientist named Walter Mischel performed the Stanford Marshmallow Experiment. In it, he told children that they could either eat one marshmallow at that moment or wait 15 minutes and get two marshmallows.

While several children opted to wait (and ultimately had better life outcomes in long-term follow-up studies), you can imagine how many kids went for the immediate payoff.

What would you have done? Would you have dealt with the “pain” of staring at that beautiful, fluffy, gelatinous treat for 15 minutes without touching it, or would you have popped it in your mouth and enjoyed the heck out of it?

While this experiment was testing for delayed gratification and self-control, I believe that it can help us understand why it’s hard to say no, and the challenges we face when setting boundaries.

Time Inconsistencies and Boundaries

In his book, Atomic Habits, James Clear talks about a phenomenon (I still can’t say that without singing the Muppet song) called “time inconsistency.”

This states that the way our brains evaluate rewards is inconsistent across time. In layman’s terms… getting something now is worth more than possibly getting something later.

Now, let’s bring this to the boundary world.

Saying no can suck.

“Ummm… Sheryl, don’t you consistently espouse the virtues of saying no?”

Why, yes! I didn’t say that saying No wasn’t worth it… I just said it can suck.

Let’s be honest, the first few times you say No (okay, the first 1.000 or so times), you are going to feel like a baby giraffe taking your first steps.

• Will the other person take your refusal as a personal attack?
• Will they be angry?
• Offended?
• Will you fall flat on your face while the other giraffes point and laugh?

That last one probably won’t happen, but honestly… the others might. And that’s okay. You need to be prepared to sit in the uncomfortable silence. The worst thing you can do during that silence is backpedal:

“Oh, haha, just kidding! It’s Opposite Day! Of course, I will do whatever you need!”

Those moments of silence may suck. But you know what would suck way more? A week, month, year, or lifetime of regret.

Let’s take a look at a few boundary-related examples.

1. Your friend asks you to go out to celebrate his promotion. Even though you are INCREDIBLY busy the next day, you don’t want him to feel like you don’t care about his success. So instead of being uncomfortable for 30 seconds while you say, “I’m so sorry. I’ve got too much going on tomorrow to go out tonight, let’s grab dinner this weekend,” you agree and end up stumbling into bed around 2 am, mildly hungover. At best, you spend the next day exhausted and irritable. At worst, you botch a presentation, lose a client, and lose a promotion because of your lack of preparation.
2. You serve on a board, and the president asks you to step in as the president for the following year. She is a friend of yours, so you feel compelled to say yes. At best, you change your mind before the training takes place and you step into the role. Your friend is irritated, but after a while, hurt feelings are put aside. At worst, you never say no, take on a responsibility you can’t handle, your job or business suffers, and you do a piss poor job of leading the organization, which leads to years of fallout.
3. Your boyfriend asks you to marry him. You have your doubts and realize you aren’t the best version of yourself when you’re with him, but the thought of saying no and being single in the moment is unbearable, so you agree. You then spend the next however many years in the wrong relationship, becoming a shell of who you could’ve become… and making his life a living hell in the process. (What? Me? I totally didn’t do that with my first marriage…)

The possible scenarios are endless! But why… why are we like this?

The Reptilian Brain

Time Inconsistency is a reality because we are still operating with our primal brains. Our ancestors were most concerned about finding shelter and whether they would have food to eat or they would become food for something else to eat. When you’re not sure you will be alive in 10 days, you’re not so concerned about what your life will look like in 10 years.

Fortunately (or unfortunately, depending on how you look at it), most of us don’t have to worry about that these days. Free from the fear of becoming dinner, we can take the long-term benefits (and drawbacks) into account when making a decision.

Embrace the Suck

I was listening to a podcast with Jay Shetty when he said, “The things that are good for you will feel bad before and good after. And the things that are bad for you will feel good before and terrible after.”

It’s so true.

Eating an entire cake feels AMAZING in the moment. However, you are going to have a rough rest of your day riding the blood sugar rollercoaster and feeling like you’re going to give birth to twins. Make it a habit, and you won’t be very happy come bathing suit season.

Drinking alcohol feels great in the moment (and makes you a much better karaoke singer), but you probably won’t enjoy the headache and nausea the next morning. And if you make poor decisions while you’re drinking (driving, getting too friendly with someone), you could be looking at a lifetime of regret.

Saying yes feels amazing in the moment. You feel like the hero, the savior, you have pleased ALL THE PEOPLE! However, what’s it going to feel like when you have to come through on promises you had no business making? How will you feel when you have to sacrifice your own well-being to do whatever you’ve agreed to do for others? How happy will you be when you begin resenting the people in your life that you love?

Conclusion  

Saying no can be difficult. However, 30 seconds of discomfort is worth not hating your life for years to come.

Do you need help saying No? I’ve got a cheat sheet that will give you the verbiage to express your decision.

About

Sheryl Green is an author, speaker, and expert in boundary literacy and burnout prevention.

With a background in psychology and extensive experience working with leadership teams, nonprofits, and professional organizations, she empowers audiences to integrate practical boundaries into workplace culture and personal leadership.

Sheryl is the author of multiple books, including You Had Me At No. Her programs blend research-backed strategies with real-world tools, providing both immediate impact and long-term cultural change.