“My right to swing my fist ends where your nose begins,” – Oliver Wendell Holmes Jr.
When my husband added Landman to our queue, I wasn’t the least bit interested. It just didn’t appeal to me. However, he asked me to give it a try, and from the very first episode, I was hooked! The writing is phenomenal, the character development is on point, and before I go full story-nerd, I’m going to get to my point.
This week’s episode had a really important boundary lesson. (Don’t worry, I’m not going to spoil the episode for you… and it’s a good one!)
Setting the Scene
Ainsley, the perky, friendly, well-intentioned, but not exactly scholarly, daughter heads to college for a week-long cheerleading camp. She steps into her assigned dorm to meet her roommate for the week and for the first year of college.
Within seconds of entering the dorm room, her roommate, Paigyn, has rattled off a list of “boundaries” (please note my use of quotation marks here).
- They are vegan, so no meat or animal products in the room (including Ainsley’s shoes)
- They meditate at noon, so no noise or light
- They don’t like music, scents, or visitors, and oh yeah, they have a pet ferret.
All of these “boundaries” (there I go with the quotation marks again) are in an effort to create their “safe space.”
Watch a clip of the scene here. Then come right back…
Creating a Safe Space
Let’s unpack this, because we are heading into dangerous boundary territory.
Now, I’ll be completely transparent here and let you know I lived at home during college and didn’t have an apartment until graduate school (but we still had our own rooms). That being said, I still have a basic idea of what it takes to share space.
Now, I will say, the roommate clearly articulated their “boundaries.”
The problem?
Those weren’t boundaries.
Those were rules they had no right to write.
To be clear, Paigyn’s desire for safety and control makes sense. New environments can be overwhelming, and wanting predictability in a shared space is understandable. The issue here isn’t the need for safety, it’s the method used to create it.
That room should have been a “safe space” for both Paigyn AND Ainsley.
Now, I’m not saying it would’ve been easy. They are very different people, and it would’ve required discussion, understanding, empathy, and compromise.
Paigyn had every right not to wear or eat animal products. In fact, good on them for caring about our furry friends! However, insisting that Ainsley didn’t wear her clothes or eat what she eats… that’s encroaching on her “safe space.”
And this is where we get to the quote at the beginning of this blog:
“My right to swing my fist ends where your nose begins,” – Oliver Wendell Holmes Jr.
Boundaries are not an excuse to force others to do what you want them to do. We can’t “protect our peace” at the expense of someone else’s.
Boundaries, Rules, Expectations, Agreements… Oh My!
Now, as someone who talks about boundaries all day, every day (except when I’m talking about sloths, dogs, or plants), I tend to use the term as an umbrella. However, there are some nuances you need to understand.
Boundaries
First, “Boundaries” are about me (you). They refer to what I will do to protect my time, energy, values, and well-being. Boundaries control me and my response to others.
There’s a simple formula to follow:
If X happens, I will do Y.
For example:
- If you speak to me disrespectfully, I will end the conversation.
- If you send me an email after 6 pm, I will not check it until the next business day.
- If our meeting runs past its scheduled end time, I will have to leave.
Boundaries are about managing yourself in ways that align with your values, needs, and desires.
Rules
Secondly, there are Rules. Now Rules are about everyone. They are externally enforced standards that apply to a group. In order to make a rule, you must have the authority to do so. Bosses (within their companies), governments (within their jurisdictions), teachers (within their classrooms), parents (within their families), etc., have this authority.
A landlord also has this authority within their properties… a roommate does not have unilateral authority. However, roommates can decide on “house rules” they will uphold together and expect visitors to follow.
Expectations
Thirdly, there are Expectations. Expectations are about the relationships. They are what we believe should happen. The problem is that they are not always stated, agreed to, or enforced. This is where disagreements, frustration, and resentment live.
I love when I’m speaking to an audience about healthy boundaries, and I explain that they actually have to communicate with one another… because most people aren’t mind readers. There’s usually a rolling chuckle as people remember times they imagined up a boundary (I’m using this as the umbrella term right now), but never bothered to tell anyone.
Unexpressed (or not yet agreed-upon) expectations are relationship killers. Which is why our final category is Agreements.
Agreements
Agreements are about alignment. They are two (or more) people getting together and saying, “We have both agreed that…”
Let’s go back to our Landman situation, because Agreements could’ve fixed the problem.
- They both could’ve agreed that noon to 1 pm was quiet time, and Paigyn would invest in an eye mask to block any light so Ainsley could still function.
- They could’ve both agreed that while Ainsley wasn’t going to give up her clothing or shoes, she would keep eating meat (at least incredibly fragrant meat) to a minimum while in the dorm room.
- And, they could’ve both agreed that ferrets are FANTASTIC. (Sorry, I digressed. Fun fact: my graduate school roommate was actually terrified of ferrets and called them Slinky’s with fur. I may or may not have bought her a calendar of ferrets dressed up as classic tv characters for Christmas once.)
All kidding aside, one statement could’ve been the bridge to fixing the rift.
“Hey, it’s so nice to meet you, and I’m excited to live together and get to know you more. Let’s discuss a way that we can compromise and each have a safe space.”
Yes, that was clunky. No, there’s no guarantee Paigyn would’ve been open to it. However, it would’ve been the first step toward a healthy co-existence.
This same confusion between boundaries, rules, and agreements shows up in workplaces every day.
Conclusion
Boundaries are an essential part of life. In fact, they are the foundation upon which we build healthy lives and thriving businesses. However, if we misunderstand boundaries and attempt to protect our peace at others’ expense, we are not strengthening relationships; we are ruining them.
Before you call something a boundary, ask: Who controls it, and who bears the cost?
Want to learn how to use this to create a stronger work culture? Let’s chat.
Recent Comments