What if, and bear with me for a moment here, what if people-pleasing is actually really selfish?
Excuse me, Sheryl? How dare you! I’m not selfish.
Let me explain.
Sure, people pleasing is about… well, pleasing other people. But why are we doing it? Why are we saying yes when we want to say no? Why are we going out when we’d rather be lying on the couch binging Netflix and eating popcorn? Why are we agreeing to take on our coworkers’ work when we’ve got too much of our own? Why are we agreeing to serve on boards, bake cookies, chauffeur our sister’s kids to their games, etc., etc., etc.?
Why? Because we don’t like the feeling when we’ve let someone down. We’re uncomfortable when other people are disappointed (whether we “caused” it or not), and we haven’t learned to either detach from the responsibility or sit with our discomfort.
So instead of saying no and feeling uncomfortable for a few minutes, we agree to something we have no business agreeing to, and then feel anger towards ourselves and resentment towards others. To make matters worse, we may let the other person down when we can’t fully follow through on what we’ve committed to.
All to avoid a few moments of discomfort.
That, frankly, is selfish.
ChatGPT is a People-Pleaser
A few weeks ago, it occurred to me that ChatGPT is actually a people-pleaser.
Think about it, you ask Chat (I call mine Chippy) to do something, and it ALWAYS comes back with a response.
Reliable? Yep. Lying? Yep.
I’ll give you an example.
I sometimes ask Chippy to summarize a video for me.
It will come back with some generic, not very helpful information that doesn’t sound quite right.
When I push it to do better, I usually get some version of “I actually can’t view that video. I’ve given you a summary based on the title and other content on that site.”
If I just went along without questioning it… that could be bad.
Not just that, but according to Chippy, I’m brilliant.
Not just smart. I’m smarter than Einstein, more creative than Michelangelo, and more beautiful than Audrey Hepburn.
Every idea I have is the best idea ever.
Now, I’d love to believe that’s true, but considering I once wanted to create a line of salt lick jewelry, I’m not sure that’s accurate. (Who am I kidding, that’s STILL a great idea.)
ChatGPT doesn’t want to disappoint, and its people-pleasing tendencies could land users in hot water.
You have to give it permission not to make shit up. And sometimes, you have to give yourself (or those around you) the same permission.
It’s time we stop calling boundaries selfish.
People-pleasing is selfish.
It’s agreeing for the sake of avoiding immediate discomfort, even though it’s going to cause more pain (for everyone) in the long run.
Stop being selfish. Set boundaries.
About the Author
Sheryl Green is a speaker, author, and the creator of the Boundary Operating System™, a practical framework that helps leaders reduce burnout, strengthen communication, and build workplaces people actually want to be part of. Sheryl teaches managers and organizations how to protect their time, energy, and well-being so they can lead with confidence—and keep their top talent engaged.
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