Have you ever experienced a Boundary Hangover? It’s when you know you’ve allowed someone to cross your boundaries, and now you are kicking yourself for it.
A few days ago, I went to my local pharmacy to get the flu shot. After 3 consecutive years of missing Thanksgiving, because I was on the couch leaking acid tears and praying for death, I decided I might as well head this bug off at the chase.
There I was at the window checking in when I realized just how close the older woman behind me was standing. She was so close if I had sneezed, I would have knocked her down. She was so close if she lifted her arm, we would’ve been considered married in some cultures. She was SO close; she was crossing one of my physical boundaries.
And what did I do?
If you’re waving your hand and screaming, “You politely asked her to step back and give you some privacy,” you’d be…
WRONG.
Wait, what? Me, the author of a book on healthy boundary setting, just gritted her teeth, accepted the discomfort, and is now dwelling on it several days later?
Correct.
Didn’t see that coming, did you? Truthfully, neither did I. However, while I understood what was happening in the moment, I couldn’t bring myself to do anything about it. Why? Because I was concerned about the fallout. Let me explain. I (still sometimes) live my life like a game of chess. Before I say or do something, I run through how the other person will react. How will they respond? Will there be a confrontation? Will I end up in a screaming match with a senior in the middle of Smith’s pharmacy before lunch?
Are my projections always correct? Doubt it. There’s a good chance she would have realized she was practically cuddling me, apologized, and stepped back a few inches. But in my mind, this was going to turn into WWE, with one of us body-slamming the other beside a display of CBD products.
Why am I telling you this?
Because my honesty and vulnerability haven’t failed me yet, and I believe there’s a lesson to be learned from my current Boundary Hangover.
You will have slip-ups. This boundary journey we are on is following 20, 30, 40, and, for some, even 50+ years of negative programming. Like missing a day at the gym or eating the whole cake in one sitting, I have a choice at this moment (and you will have a choice when your boundary slip-ups occur). I can throw in the towel and convince myself that everything I’ve learned, put into practice, written about, and taught others is BS. I could say that I’m just no good at boundary setting, that I’ll never be any good, that I’m a worthless human, and that I should just go eat worms.
But thankfully, none of that is true. I shall wipe the chocolate crumbs from my shirt, lace up my shoes, pick up a dumbbell, and go right back to strengthening my boundary muscles and creating a better future for myself and everyone whose life I have the honor of touching.
Boundary work is a journey, and much of it is looking in the rearview mirror and planning how you’ll react differently going forward. Don’t let one slip-up send you into a downward spiral. Brush off the cake crumbs, and get back to setting those healthy boundaries.
Have you had a boundary slip-up? What can you learn from it?
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