A few years ago, I went through a Speaker’s Academy to help define my message and structure my speaking business. One of the assignments, was to create a Speaker’s One Sheet – a marketing piece that gives meeting planners an at-a-glance reference sheet about our business.

This assignment lasted most of the academy as we honed our message and sent the one-sheet off to other speakers in the chapter for their feedback and advice. We were encouraged to get MANY opinions and LOTS of feedback, and keep redesigning and rewriting our one-sheets based on this information.

Not knowing any better, I followed directions and took advice like a good little girl. (Cue the curtsy).

A few years later, I was hired to gather information from many of these speakers, and compile a book to be used to market the members. This, is when I discovered a flaw in our one-sheet creating process…

While a few of the extremely successful speakers had beautiful, well-designed, well-articulated marketing pieces, the majority of those I received… were not exactly up to par. Many were unclear, missing essential information, and poorly designed. One in particular, looked as if the family dog had been given a step stool and access to Photoshop.

It was in that moment that I discovered a very important life lesson:

Be careful who you take advice from.

I’d heard it before, of course. I even have a mentor who says, “Everyone can tell you how your speech made them feel, but few can tell you how to fix it.” (Thanks, Darren!). Wouldn’t it be nice if we only had to hear something once to take it to heart?

What Are Mental Boundaries?

One of the boundaries I discuss in You Had Me At No: How Setting Healthy Boundaries Helps Banish Burnout, Repair Relationships, and Save Your Sanity, and when working with individuals and organizations, is a mental or intellectual boundary.  What are you allowing into your mind? Do you allow people to speak negatively around you? Whose opinion do you take as gospel when they give it? And do you take advice from people who have absolutely no right giving you advice?

We are often put at ease when we take advice from others. For those who were rarely encouraged to think for themselves, or were raised to believe that everyone else knew what was best for them, being told what we “should” do, takes quite a bit of pressure off making decisions and taking action.

There’s just one problem… who are we actually listening to?

Would you:

• Get a haircut from a stylist with terrible hair?
• Take birthing or parenting advice from someone who doesn’t have children?
• Listen to dieting advice from someone who is out of shape and not headed in the desired direction?
• Take business advice from someone who has never owned a business?

Hopefully, you answered No to those questions. Saying No is drawing a mental boundary. This advice is not welcome in your head. Make like Gandalf, and scream, “Thou shall not pass!” (Okay, don’t actually say that, people will look at you a bit funny.

Protecting Your Mental Boundaries

Just like having healthy boundaries doesn’t mean saying No to everything and everyone, you don’t protect your mental boundaries by never asking for feedback or taking advice from others. There are people out there who can give you solid feedback and great advice, and make your journey easier and less painful by sharing their experience. In order to find these people, we need to do two things:

1. Understand the difference between feedback and advice.
2. Identify the people with the “credentials” to give us advice.

Feedback vs. Advice

Feedback is how someone reacts to whatever it is you do. They make like it or not like it. They may be emotionally impacted, or it may not hit home for them. They may have a hard time understanding it, or it may resonate with them instantly. Feedback is nothing more than their response to your stimuli. Everyone has a response and you can gather as much of this as your little heart can handle (but not too much, because you’ll get overwhelmed).

Note: Within this feedback, you’ll likely find commonalities that could lead to you taking action.

Advice on the other hand, is a recommendation as to how you should proceed. What changes could be made to make it more impactful, easier to understand, or more likely to move the audience to action? How do you need to alter your “product” to make it better? Remember: Not everyone has the qualifications necessary to give you advice.

What are the Proper Credentials or Qualifications?

Now that you’ve gotten some feedback, how do you know who you should be taking advice from? There are a few questions that will help you uncover the right people. Ask yourself, who:

1. Has experience in this field?
2. Is a professional in this arena?
3. Currently resides (or had been) where you want to be?

Looking at our earlier one-sheet example, someone with experience might be a meeting planner or speaker’s bureau who reviews marketing pieces all day and knows what would and would not inspire them to hire someone. A professional might be a graphic designer or copywriter who has been trained by someone in the industry and has created these marketing pieces for many speakers. Finally, a successful speaker who is crushing it and is continuously booked for engagements, is where you want to be.

Does this mean that if a person has ever struggled or done it the wrong way, they are ineligible to give advice? Holy hamsters, no! Struggle makes us stronger, smarter, and able to help other people facing the same challenges. As long as they are doing it right now, bring on the advice!

Now take a look at your situation. Who do you know who falls into one of these categories?

Which Sources Should You Trust?

In “Hidden Potential: The Science of Achieving Greater Things,” Adam Grant gives us other qualifications to factor in. He presents a Venn Diagram (and lawd knows I love me a Venn Diagram) to help you focus on the advice you should take while filtering out everything else.

In addition to whether or not the person has the right expertise or “credibility” to give you guidance, you’ll also want to look at whether or not they care about you and want what’s best for you, and whether they know you well.

It’s hard to believe that some people wouldn’t want what’s best for others… but it’s true. If you’ve got someone in your life who is jealous of the success you’ve attained, or afraid of any success you may attain, or who is competing in a similar area, their “advice” may be designed to set you back. Of course, not everyone is out to get you. Some people simply don’t care and therefore may not put in much effort to advise you properly.

As for familiarity, those giving cookie-cutter advice aren’t tailoring their suggestions to you, your personality, or your specific goals and talents. I once had a family member suggest I become a pharmacist. He may have cared about my well-being and had a wonderful career as a pharmacist, but he didn’t know me very well. If he had, he’d have known that I struggled all through Chemistry (and not in a “this is hard for me but I’m really enjoying it” way), and that I prefer Eastern medicine and lifestyle changes to treating every problem with a pill. It may have been good advice for someone else, but for me… no bueno.

Conclusion

Taking advice from THE RIGHT people will help shorten our learning curve and make us better at whatever it is we do. However, the keyword is the RIGHT people. Taking advice from people who don’t know what they are talking about will set you back and cause you unnecessary pain. Protect your mental boundaries and be picky about whose advice you do and do not take.

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About the Author

Sheryl Green is a Mental Health speaker and author who works with individuals and organizations to establish healthy boundaries to improve relationships, communication, and well-being. Her mission is to make the world a better place… one boundary at a time. Learn more about her entertaining and illuminating programs or contact her at 702.885.4309.