“I should be doing more.”

The most common question I’m asked regarding boundaries is, “How do I get rid of the guilt?”

And if I’m being honest, it’s my biggest challenge as well.

After all, if we’re setting boundaries, there’s a good chance that means we’re “doing less” for the people around us. And for many of us… that’s a difficult pill to swallow.

How then, do we set healthy boundaries that protect us from burnout and resentment, WHILE showing up for the people we care about?

Vague Expectations

I’m going to use a personal situation in my life as an example here, but feel free to insert your own current (or past) challenge. For example, you may be struggling with not doing enough:

1. As a parent
2. As a significant otter (not a typo).
3. As a student (or teacher).
4. As a dog or cat mom.
5. As an employee or a boss.

Why didn’t I mention not doing enough as a child? Because that’s the current guilt quicksand I’m clawing my way out of.

My dad has dementia.

A few years ago, we lost my stepmom. In 3 days, he went from being her full-time caretaker (she was sick for 20+ years) to not being able to drive, live alone, or operate a smart phone.

I’m an only child, so the responsibility for his care fell on me (and my wonderful husband).

It’s been almost three years since he was officially diagnosed, and I’m still struggling with doing “enough.”

Why?

Vague expectations.

I never sat down and figured out EXACTLY what I could/would do for my dad.

Now, we have moved him into the best memory care facility in town. I make sure all of his health needs are met, handle his finances, visit him weekly, bring snacks, or take him out for a fun meal or treat. I bring one of my dogs each time so he can get some doggy love. And, when he was able to do it (and enjoy it), I would take him out to a show or the movies.

Yet, according to me… I don’t do enough.

And I suspect you may be just like me.

We’ve got vague expectations of what we can/will do for another person, and because of that, we can’t possibly live up to them.

In “Let Go of the Guilt,” Valorie Burton says, “When we feel guilty, it can be very easy to mention expectations we are not meeting without ever defining those expectations.”

When we are never doing “enough,” the thought of setting boundaries and potentially doing less… that’s preposterous!

Focusing on the Gap Instead of the Gain

Have you ever gone hiking?

I love to hike. However, it’s very easy to see the long path ahead of you and think, “this is going to take forever,” or, “I’m not going to make it.” It’s easy to look at all the steps you haven’t yet taken.

But there’s something you can do that makes the road ahead of you look 100% doable… turn around.

When you glance back, you’ll see all the steps you HAVE taken. You’ll see all the hard work you’ve already done, and all the successes you’ve already had.

That’s great, Sheryl. But what does this have to do with guilt?

Turn around. (I won’t judge you if you’re singing right now).

Instead of focusing on what you’re NOT doing, take a page out of “The Gap and The Gain” by Dan Sullivan and Dr. Benjamin Hardy, and focus on what you ARE doing.

A few weeks after my dad’s diagnosis, I was talking to someone who had gone through it with her own father. He had been a watchmaker by trade, so every day, she would bring him the pieces of a watch for him to put together. At the end of the day, she’d pick up the watch, bring it home, take it apart, and get it ready for the next day.

While this went above and beyond what many could/would do for their parent, it has stuck in my head as the “if I’m not doing this, I’m a sh*tty daughter” standard.

I’ve been so busy focusing on what I’m not doing that I forgot to look at everything I am doing.

Are you swimming in the same quicksand? Are you berating yourself because you brought store-bought cupcakes for your kid’s birthday so you could get a whole night’s sleep? Beating yourself up for not taking your dog to the park after a full day of working on your feet? Calling yourself a “bad daughter” because you don’t bring a daily watch to your dad?

It’s time we stop the self-flagellation.

Doing Our Best

That watch lady… she’s amazing! But I don’t know anything about her life. I don’t know if she worked, had a business, a family, a hectic travel schedule. That mom who always bakes everything from scratch… good for her! Does she work? Does she have other kids? Is she running a million-dollar company? That dog dad who spends every free moment at the park throwing a ball around with his pup… maybe he’s got a desk job.

The point is, we need to stop measuring ourselves against other people. We aren’t in their situations. Often, we don’t even know what those situations are.

You can only do what you can do. (Wise words, right there!)

When it comes to caring for others or serving others… do your best.

Releasing the Guilt

Let’s get back to the original question… “How do you set boundaries and let go of the guilt?”

First, you need to define your expectations. To do that, you need to take a look at the 3-part Clash (Should I Yay or Should I No) Framework:

1. Do I want to or have to?
2. Do I have the resources to carry it out?
3. Am I willing to give something up in order to do it?

If you’re a caring person who loves to serve others, there’s a good chance you WANT to do whatever it is. However, the most important concept to remember when you use the Clash Framework is that in order to say yes to whatever it is you’re being asked to do, you have to be able to answer yes to all three parts of the question. You may WANT to do whatever it is… but can you?

Do you have the time, the money, the energy, or the mental bandwidth to actually carry it out? And assuming you do, what are you willing to give up to make it happen?

When you run your decisions through this framework, you realize that while you may WANT to do something… you actually can’t. When we know what we can and can’t do, we can set clear expectations for ourselves and release the vague “I should do more.”

Second, once you’ve set your own personal expectations, it’s time to focus on all you DO, rather than what you DON’T. Focus on the GAIN and see the GAP for what it is… guilt quicksand.

And finally, accept that you are doing your best. Not anyone else’s best (because you have no idea what else is going on in their world), but the best you can do… and your best is awesome.

Conclusion

It can be really easy to let the “shoulds” dictate our boundaries. If you are constantly telling yourself you’re not doing enough for someone else, it will be really difficult to set the boundaries that protect your mental health and help you focus on your personal goals.

Thankfully, when we release our vague expectations, identify what we can and will do, and stop focusing on how that measures up to others, we free ourselves from the guilt.

Want to learn more about how to live a Boundaried Life™? My new program will be up and running shortly. Hop on the wait list to be notified when registration is open.

About

Sheryl Green is an author, speaker, and boundary expert.

With a background in psychology and extensive experience working with leadership teams, nonprofits, and professional organizations, she empowers audiences to integrate practical boundaries into workplace culture and personal leadership.

Sheryl is the author of multiple books, including You Had Me At No. Her programs blend research-backed strategies with real-world tools, providing both immediate impact and long-term cultural change.