Did you know that Kraken actually exists?

Sailors once told tales of a horrific sea monster who enjoyed sinking ships and snacking on passengers. Many who were subjected to these stories suspected that these tales were blown WAY out of proportion, and sailors needed a scapegoat for poor steering.

As it turns out, the Kraken (another name for a Giant Squid, but way cooler) is a real creature that was believed to be imaginary until the late 1800s, when scientists realized reports weren’t entirely from drunken sailors. There might be some truth to these ginormous tentacled beasts.

They have since been photographed, and while they are likely incredibly intelligent, they probably aren’t the merciless sailor-killer as once believed. (Verdict is still out on the manatee, or dreaded sea cow, as I call them.)

Thanks for the weird zoology lesson, Sheryl. What could this possibly have to do with boundaries?

I’m so glad you asked.

For many years, most people didn’t know about the Kraken. Once introduced to the concept, many still didn’t believe in it. Then, they suspected Mr. Kraken was a real thing but couldn’t prove he actually existed. And now, (especially after reading my foray into science), people know they exist but don’t have the slightest idea how they work.

Just. Like. Boundaries.

So today, I thought we could dive into the five biggest boundary misconceptions that may be preventing you from setting healthy boundaries and living the life (and having the business) of your dreams.

Combatting the 5 Biggest Boundary Misconceptions

Did you even know boundaries were “a thing?” Had you heard the term before you stumbled into my world? Or, were you just living your life wondering why everyone around you was so damn needy?

If you fall into the latter category, you probably believe Misconception # 1.

Misconception # 1: You should already know how to set them.

I grew up in a household where the definition of “car maintenance” was returning your lease to the dealer every four years. Imagine my surprise when I bought my first car, a 1989 Ford Probe, and had to pray my way to the mechanic’s shop because my engine knocked so loudly that there could’ve been an actual Kraken inside it.

I had never been taught that cars need oil… never mind that one should check the oil levels regularly and even get it changed every so often. (In case you’re wondering, I did make it to the shop, and after the mechanic had a good laugh at my expense, my cars have since been well-lubricated.)

If you didn’t grow up in a family where boundaries were discussed, taught, or even allowed, you are not expected to know they exist. This doesn’t mean you can’t (or shouldn’t) learn them now. It’s always a good time to learn a new skill, and boundary setting will serve you well in your life.

Misconception # 2: Setting boundaries is selfish.

I had a therapist who used to say that I couldn’t pour into other people when my emotional cup was empty. When I was seeing this therapist, my cup wasn’t just empty… it was shattered into a million pieces, with some shards in the vacuum bag and others hiding under the refrigerator with the dust bunnies. I could barely get myself out of bed in the morning, yet I was still trying to be everything to everyone. (You can guess how well that turned out).

The belief that setting boundaries is selfish comes from feeling like other people’s needs are more important than your own. If you are not meeting their needs (and, egad, attempting to get your own needs met), you must be a bad person, unworthy of love.

Not even close! Healthy boundaries are the best self-care practice out there! (And, you are entitled to self-care). Self-care makes you more fun to be around, pleasant to deal with, and able to help others and make a difference in the world.

Misconception # 3: Setting boundaries means pushing people away.

If you are new to saying No, you might fear this will damage your relationships. On the contrary! What will do a number on your relationships? Saying yes when you don’t have the desire or resources to carry out something.

When you do this, you may:

• Not get it done (thereby letting the other person down and possibly causing them problems)
•  Manage to pull it off, but end up stressed and resentful in the process.

Neither is conducive to happy, healthy relationships. When you set and communicate your boundaries, you actually improve your relationships.

Misconception # 4: You get to set boundaries… but you don’t have to respect other people’s.

Wouldn’t it be nice if you could demand how other people treat you but pay no mind to how they would like you to treat them?

No. It wouldn’t. It would lead to many really resentment-filled relationships that ended prematurely and in an ugly fashion. So let’s not do that… mmmkay?

What should we do? Recognize when others are setting boundaries, and be accepting and supportive!

For example, when your friend says they have to get to bed early as they’ve got a big meeting first thing in the morning, it’s not time to pester them until they meet you at the bar. Instead, tell them you understand, know they will absolutely crush their meeting, and ask when it would be better for you two to get together.

Misconception # 5: Setting healthy boundaries always means saying no.  

This is my favorite! If you’ve been a people-pleaser your entire life, you may think that No has to be your default answer for everything going forward. Having healthy boundaries doesn’t mean you have to become a selfish son-of-a-chicken who never leaves their house and wouldn’t spit if someone was on fire. Having healthy boundaries means you take the time to evaluate whether or not you want to say Yes or No and then communicate it clearly and kindly (most of the time… there are definitely situations where kindness is unnecessary).  If you’ve got the desire and the resources to help out, do it! As Muhammad Ali once said, “Service to others is the rent you pay for the room here on earth.”

Now that we’ve debunked the five biggest boundary misconceptions, it’s time to go forth and fearlessly set healthy boundaries. One might even say it’s time to “release the boundaries!”

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About the Author

Sheryl Green is a Mental Health speaker and author who works with individuals and organizations to establish healthy boundaries to improve relationships, communication, and well-being. Her mission is to make the world a better place… one boundary at a time. Learn more about her entertaining and illuminating programs or contact her at 702.885.4309.