A few months ago, a friend of a friend came to our house for dinner. During dinner, Buddy, our terrier/husky mix, placed his head on the man’s leg. Not wanting the attention, the man kicked Buddy to make him move away.

The saving grace to this story is that my husband and I didn’t find out about it until after the fact. If we had seen it happen, I can’t guarantee that the man would be alive or that I wouldn’t be writing this blog from a jail cell.

Don’t-ever-hurt-my-dog-or-they-will-never-find-your-body aside, it got me thinking about boundaries. (Knew that was coming, didn’t you?) As I was doing my research for “You Had Me At No: How Setting Healthy Boundaries Helps Banish Burnout, Repair Relationships, and Save Your Sanity,” I came across six categories of boundaries.

The Six Categories of Boundaries

The boundary giants who have come before me decided that the boundaries we need to set fall into the following six categories:

1. Material
2. Physical
3. Sexual
4. Time
5. Emotional
6. Mental

Agreed. However, standing on their shoulders (thanks, Sir Isaac Newton), I propose a 7^th category. Why? Well, for one thing, 7 is a much more whimsical number than 6, and for another, I can’t for the life of me figure out how this isn’t yet a thing.

I bring you… Boundary Category Number Seven (cue the drumroll)… Family.

The Seventh Category of Boundaries

If you define boundaries as “the way in which you allow yourself (and by extension, your “stuff”) to be treated, it seems like a logical step that you would include your loved ones, be them human, furry, feathery, or (eek) scaly.

Allow me to give you a few examples:

1. Your dad likes to take shots at your husband for his political affiliation. Out of respect for you, your husband chooses not to engage or defend himself. Do you say something on his behalf?
2. Knowing that you struggled with your weight as a child, your mom makes comments to your daughter about what she should and should not be eating. Is this acceptable?
3. Friends come over to your house and try to discipline your dog. Do you need to dispose of a body?
4. Your kid’s soccer coach believes that making demeaning and derogatory remarks is the only way to reach the kids. Is your kid still playing soccer?
5. Your uncle doesn’t like that your son is gay and makes inappropriate jokes and gestures around him and around you. Do you speak up and shut it down?

Here’s the thing: if you’ve ever gone full Momma Bear on someone, there’s a good chance you didn’t set boundaries early on and waited until you could no longer take the inappropriate treatment of someone you care about… and exploded. Or, you’ve written people out of your life (rather than communicate with them) because you don’t like their behavior.

It happens. Yet, armed with our new boundary knowledge, we can proactively communicate our wishes moving forward – before the claws come out.

Becoming Empowered

In case no one has told you yet, you absolutely have the right to demand proper treatment for yourself and your loved ones.

Identifying Your Boundaries

If you are new to this journey, understanding where your boundaries are can be a difficult first step. There are two good ways to find them.

1. Look to the past. If you think about your life up until this point, you no doubt have experiences that stand out in your memory… and not for good reasons. For example, a family dinner that was so uncomfortable that you stopped going to family events, or you go but hide in your phone the entire time to avoid the conversations. What made it uncomfortable? Think about the conversations that gave you the “I wish I had’s” (I wish I had said something. I wish I had walked out. I wish I had stood up for my ____).

There’s a good chance these situations (or something similar) will happen again. You now have the opportunity to be ready                for them.

2. Look inside. When you are in the moment, in the conversation, in the situation, how do you feel? If your skin is crawling, your stomach is in knots, your throat is tight, or that vein in the middle of your forehead has gone from tiny garden worm to anaconda, you are having a visceral reaction. Your body is telling you that you are uncomfortable, and it’s waiting patiently for your brain to get on board and do something about it.

 

Communicating Your Boundaries

It’s time. You’ve discovered your line. You can wait until someone crosses it and then clearly communicate that this will not be tolerated, or, you can be proactive. When guests enter your home, you can say something like, “Our dog is very friendly. Do not kick or push him away if you do not want the attention. Please let us know, and we will redirect him.”

If your mom frequently makes comments about your daughter’s eating habits, say something (privately) like, “My daughter and I have discussed healthy eating, and it is up to her to make the right decisions without any guilt or shame. I would appreciate it if you would refrain from making comments to or about her.”

Discussing this before emotions run high is a wonderful way to prevent the problem before it happens. However, shutting them down when it happens can also work.

“Uncle Joe, I understand that you do not approve of how our son chooses to live his life. Thankfully, you don’t need to. We love our son, and we are proud of who he is. Please keep your comments and your beliefs to yourself.”

Standing up for your loved ones doesn’t just communicate boundaries. It also communicates to them that you’ve got their backs.

Saying Goodbye to Boundary Busters

As a reminder, you do not have control over other people. You can set, communicate, and reinforce your boundaries. However, it is up to the other person whether they choose to respect them. Don’t worry; the ball is ultimately in your court. If someone chooses to disrespect your clearly communicated boundaries, you decide whether or not they get to be in your (and your loved ones’) lives.

Conclusion

Family and friends are an extension of who you are. While it’s essential to set boundaries for how you (and your things) may be treated, it’s also important to decide how people may and may not speak to, treat, and behave around your loved ones. Want more boundary tips for your business and your life? Sign up for my weekly newsletter.

About the Author

Sheryl Green is a Mental Health speaker and author who works with individuals and organizations to establish healthy boundaries to improve relationships, communication, and well-being. Her mission is to make the world a better place… one boundary at a time. Learn more about her entertaining and illuminating programs or contact her at 702.885.4309.